my birthday is today!

Dear beautiful strangers,

Hope everyone is well. I am now in Damai Beach Resort Kuching, Sarawak with my entire family celebrating my birthday. Papa, mama, my aunt, my uncle, my bro, his fiancé, me and Joshua.

Yes, my birthday is today à 15 December! Without any year mentioned! Hehe..

Age??
Hehe… I am still sweet and young okay? Just put it that way…

So last night, around 12am, everyone came to my room and Joshua’s and gave me birthday kisses. Yeay! Then, my aunt came in with Cake Lapis S’wak, as my birthday cake. Unique huh? I found it exotic. And yummy.

Then I waited for all my family members to light off. Why? Joshua wanted to take me out for birthday drinks! Hehehe.. naughty me. Yes we went out to Blue Lagoon at Crowne Plaza Hotel, for refreshing birthday cocktails. Hmm .. so sweet of him.

Today we went to do massive shopping:
kain pua kumbu Sarawak
rattan craft Sarawak- baskets, shell curtains, mats, hats (for me of course!)
30 slices cake lapis Sarawak
Sarawak batik
Sarawak vasesà Five of them, large ones!
borneo pearlsà 800pounds worth! Crazy….!

…etc etc etc.

I don’t know how much I have spent today. But now looking at all these stuff, all the exhaustion seems worth it. One problem is in my head- how on earth am I going to bring these boxes back to KL? Haha.. good luck to us with the custom!

Tonight we are planning to go out for a birthday dinner w my family. Somewhere special, hopefully we can find a good posh restaurant (that I like) somewhere in Kuching.

Will update you guys soon. Cheerio…!

Azzurri

a life story.. not a lucky one.

SHORT STORY: A MONOLOGUE

It’s 2 am and I cant sleep. Recalling all the mistakes I have done lately. All the changes I have gone through. Not good ones. The ones I never liked. The ones which will never blend well with me. Me and to my very core. Why did I change? I don’t know. It wasn’t planned. It was just happening, and I’m going through the phase with mixed feelings; guilt, insecure, fear but yet I keep letting myself being abused in that way. Abused = the change I never liked!!!!

I feel even more ‘stupid and low’ realizing that in fact I ‘agreed’ with all those changes because I was in love. Was it really love? Again, I don’t know. I liked him (X). I really did. He resembled someone (Y) that I used to really really love. But Y has gone. Even though Y has come back to bug and beg, but to me, he’s dead so long time ago. Ages ago. He’s gone with the wind. He’s gone with all the hopes and dreams I had for us. He’s gone leaving a cut and pain, deep in me, which never healed, never scarred surprisingly until today. I closed my heart to anybody since then. Coz it’s been fooled. It’s been hurt. It’s been stigmatized, been black and white. I was left confused, been destitute. There was no way for another chance, or another story. Everything was impossible. At least, that was what I thought. But I was wrong. Very wrong.

I met X, a few months back. It was not like my first crush with Y, X was just a plain normal guy. He didn’t have that ‘wow’ factor whatsoever. I didn’t even notice him at the beginning. Maybe I was too superficial and that was my mistake. Days moved one, we became new friends. Until I realized, he actually reminded me of someone. Someone who was there for 4 years but disappeared instantly. X rang a bell in my head, the bell that should never ever been rung at all, ever. The way X talks, his walks, his jokes, laughs, even his moves were killing me. Wow?! I wonder what God really wants to show to me from this. I was not yet strong to oversee this, I was not yet healed to befriend a resemblance of someone I used to love. But I did. I did become X’s friend. He became my new friend.

Things went normal until he mentioned about him with his ex-girlfriend. A possibility for them to start ‘things’ up again. As a friend, shouldn’t I feel happy for him? But why wasn’t I? I was indeed feeling the opposite. That’s so weird, in fact bizarre. I took a whole day to answer the dilemma, and in the end I just couldn’t get away from the fact that I have already liked him. Surprisingly, unintentionally deep. Damn!

What is there not to like about him? He resembles my first love perfectly! And in addition he’s not a jerk like Y!!!! X is in fact wiser, more matured (believe me, too mature for his age- in a good way), more intelligent, not too vain (Y dressed much much better compared to me- not that I didn’t like that, but I always thought that Y’s way too good looking for me, I always felt inferior, and I HATE FEELING INFERIOR!! About anything!), X is just Y with all the extra points that are always lacking in Y. so what is there not to like about X?

I didn’t know why I was so open about it, I let X know about my dilemma. He took it surprisingly well, but as I have already expected, he didn’t fancy me. Yes, he did not. And yes, no one had ever said NO to me before. Not that I’m bragging, probably because this was the first time I approached someone (with Y, I was led into the relationship after a long long long persuasion) and hence, this turned out to be the first time someone said NO to me. I was not devastated, because I liked it that way, just friends, no pressure no nothing. And again, that was what I thought. And I was wrong. Again.

I liked him. I liked X. Everyday, I was excited to start my day because I knew I could see him. and it went on and on, and I didn’t realize that every single day, I was actually giving him the signal that I still liked him. I kept acting that we were more than normal friends. I didn’t realize it, because I in fact just did anything that could make me happy. He one day told me all these, and how uncomfortable he felt. Oh no, poor him and I didn’t realize it, at all.

Just to add to my problem, at the same time, Y appeared AGAIN after years, and started calling, texting, without me knowing what he really wanted. But surprisingly I wasn’t happy AT ALL about it, may be X has healed the pain inside me, and hence there was no space for Y to be in.
I was stressed out. Too stress. Cut to the chase: one day, I called X to apologize to him for how ridiculous I have been acting. He said, there’s nothing for me to apologize, and nothing for him to forgive. It was not a mistake, it was just me with my “OBSESSIVE” problem. Wow! I was horribly offended! Too offended to even be angry about it at that time. No one had ever ever made me feel low about myself but that day X DID! He said that the problem should be overcome and the way of doing it, was for us (me and X) not to become friends at all. He said I SHOULD LEAVE HIM ALONE IF I CARE ABOUT HIM. darn! I was embarrassed to my very core! Probably I always feel good about myself, but I think those words were too much for me to start having doubt in him. yes I cried so much, not because I could not be friends with him, but because I felt downgraded, which no one ever dared to do that to me, ever! But surprisingly, as far as I could remember, I was not angry at him at that time, I was in fact asking him to still consider me as a friend and lets do what other friends do, like hanging out, playing sports bla bla. And he firmly said NO. He hung up the phone.

Where did I do wrong? Did I deserve such treatment? May be I was wrong for liking him, but shouldn’t there be any other ways to extinguish that feeling, besides changing it to a HUGE HATRED?

I again realized I don’t hate him. I don’t think I will ever hate him; he had made such an extremely good first impression, superseding all those negative things or words he said afterwards.

I lived my life as normal as possible, trying to ignore about what happened. But everyday I saw X, I felt horrendous. I felt embarrassed, I could not even look at his eyes. I felt low, I felt inferior. I was indeed hurt by his words. And he never apologized and hence I felt even worse. I had this conflict inside me for months, but I acted well. I smiled, I laughed, I made jokes in front of my friends, in front of him, just to show that I was all well.

Just for the record, since that atrocious phonecall I had with X, he started to isolate me, get rid of me. Trying to cut me out of his life, at least it seemed like it. That helped to add up to my LOW self-esteem at that moment. Thanks to him. I felt disgusted of myself, and that became worse by days.

Until I realized I was too weak for such continuous abuse, days by days, there was no sign for my feeling to get better. I was so hurt, I felt insecure. I felt low and lower. I called my parents to let me leave this place ever. The place that brought me into connection with X. that’s the only way I could find to release myself from such pain.

I in fact LEFT! And I don’t even think that X cares much about it. How a tiny little person I am, in front of his eyes. I am now back home, feeling belonged and protected. Should I ever go back to that place, where I met X? if I should, what type of person should I be next? Do I ever have the strength to stand there again after this huge fall? I don’t know.

My feelings towards X now: I like him. of course. but I am not sure to what extent. He seems happy with his life, without realizing he’s changed me so much, my confidence, my dignity, my will-power, ALL altered, abused. He was probably right, if I care about him, I should leave him alone. This is in fact what I am doing because I do care about him. So much. I am not his friend anymore, may be now it’s due to our distance, but I have decided, he can’t be my friend because he’s right. We should not be friends. I don’t deserve his friendship. He’s way too honest in our friendship before compared to me. Everyday, I’m trying to erase him from my life. I hope it’s not going to be hard because we just met for months. Like he had said once to me: ‘it’s not hard coz it’s not like we were childhood friends before’. I have experienced a bigger downfall before and I’m sure I can make it through this one. My first task is to LET GO my feelings towards him, if there’s anything much left. I heard he is liking someone right now. Good for him. Maybe to him now, I am just a psycho. What more can I say.

I know I have never loved this way before
No one else has loved me more
With you I laughed and cried
I have lived and died
What I wouldn’t do, just to be with you

I know I must forget you to go on
I can’t hold back my tears too long
Though life won’t be the same
I have got to take the blame
And find the strength I need to let you go

Just walk away, just say goodbye
Don’t turn around now
You may see me cry
I musn’t fall apart
Or show my broken heart
Or the love I feel for you

There’ll never be a moment I regret
I love you since the day we met
For all the love you gave
And all the love we made
I know I have got to find the strength to say

So walk away
And close the door
And let my life be as it was before
I’ll never never know
Just how I’ll let you go
There’s nothing left to say
Just walk away.

Borneo..

Dear beautiful strangers,

i am sorry
i am in Labuan right now.
travelling in Borneo, whilst working at Queen Elizabeth Hospital
..so.. give me some time,
when it's all settled, i will be on track!

Azzurri

post full of Questions!

Dear beautiful strangers...

How have you been? thanks for the responses to my previous posts.

Yes, i will be going to Melaka! Here i come!

1. i am going to Putrajaya too on Sunday, any place i should check out over there?

btw, i just realised hosting isnt a piece of cake.
i am really tired just now, showing people around. it's not like i know so much anyway.
but yes, i just missed my own sweet time i have to myself.
the thing is, all my scottish friends need me to go everywhere.
we just need to do everything together.
and i am kinda stressed out on what the plans are every single day. to keep them entertained.
now i am tired.
and i m sure my family has been feeling a bit weird as i didnt spend as much time with them since i got back.
huh... i am sorry for feeling this way. but i am tired, physically and emotionally.

tonight hopefully i am going to karaoke and drinks. just to ease my emotions a lil bit.
this is fun, dont get me wrong. but it's been continuously bz and my time is occupied all the time.

anyway, the fans of Dr C*rlo C*resa, he emailed me yesterday *how shweeet*
he asked how my time had been spent in KL. he had not been going out so much, but the last time he went out was to a ball and to a Halloween Party where he dressed up as a baby and he said the ladies were loving it!

how do you think he wants me to react to that? for Goodness sake, cant he tell i like him, and is it appropriate to say such things to a girl who likes you? but too bad, im not gonna react in any ways. i am cool.

but yeap, i miss him tho. he is actually my longest crush ever. haha! so girls out there (or guys!) 2. when should i reply to that email? i need to play cool/hardtoget remember? so when's the earliest for me to reply to that?

p/s: i have already numbered TWO questions (in bold) in this post. so can you sweet readers help me answer to both? thank you huns.

Azzurri

help me decide!

Dear beautiful strangers..


Should i go to Pangkor Island or bring my Scottish friends travel around Malacca whilst visiting my new niece, Mia? please decide for me..

Pangkor: it's an island, further from KL, shud be nice BUT such a hassle to drive up to Lumut, will cost more and i have gone for a beach vacation anyway, so it could be redundant!

Melaka: nearer, cost less, dont have to drive much, can visit Mia at the same time, BUT not a beach, so probably wont be as scenic.

so which one guys?

Azzurri

new update!

Dear beautiful strangers

Hows my lovelies out there?
Sayangs, i am rreeeeaaallllyyyy sorry..
i thought Malaysia would be the start of me relaxing
but No no no.. Kuala Lumpur Hospital isnt a piece of cake!!
Busy.. busy.. busy..
Road traffic accident everywhere..
so sayang2 ku.. tolong lah... tolonglah drive or ride ur bike carefully
i wanna eat my lunch my dinner at proper times tau
sometimes i had to delay my meals because new cases came in!
kesian la kat i if you dont kesian at your own life!
hiks!

anyway
guess where i am now?
i am in Langkawi !
it has been amazing sayangs
i have done island hopping, swimming in the sea like no one's business,
eagle feeding
shark feeding
snorkelling
cruising
sunbathing..
now i think i look more malay, i wanna have a natural tan, not putting a fake tan all the time!
by the way, my feet got sun-burnt so badly. my back too. they have been really really sore.
i looked like a lobster at one point!

i wanted to come to langkawi to experience the authentic malay life
but i didnt get the chance
as i came with my scottish friends
we went to bars everynight and ran into so many white guys
so we ended up hanging out together
its been fun
tmr im gonna do road trip around langkawi
i'll be driving! so we'll see where we end up.

and also
i want to make an announcement to ALL MALAYSIANS who i might run into::::

I AM PART MALAY! NOT PURE WHITE OR CAUCASIAN!! SO STOP TALKING BAD OR BITCHING ABOUT ME IN FRONT OF ME, COZ I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU!!! :@
.....
....
....

anyway to anyone who's been following my on and off crush towards Dr C*rlo C*resa,
he came to my apartment on the last night before i left UK for Malaysia
the thing is, he'd been emailing and texting me a few days before.
but i replied to them a day before i left
that was when we ended up having coffeee at starbucks
and he said he wanted to come to mine that night
and he did
we watched a movie 'like heaven' starring Reese Witherspoon, whilst i was packing up,
had a bottle of wine, just the two of us, the moment was just spectacular!
and that's the progress for now.
nothing happened since then, coz i was off to Malaysia.

that's my update for now.
going back to KL tmr night,
and start working again the day after...

so sayangs....
love you

Azzurri

life is good!

Dear beautiful strangers

..pheeewwwww.....
.
.
.
that's the first thing i wanna say. it had been a very bz 16 weeks for me, now i am released
yesterday i sat for my Paediatrics Professional Exam, and we got the results on the same day,
because the resit would be today, in the morning..

yes it was scary
it was nerve-wrecking
you have no idea.
i couldnt even take a good nap after the exam yesterday while waiting for the results
so i went to the bank instead just to keep myself busy
there were so many stuffs to settle at the bank before i leave the country
it took me 2 hours to do everything at the bank
i came back home after that
took a shower
that was then A*vin called me to meet up for tea, at his place

i went to his place, had a good chat and catching up
my phone vibrated, a msg from Al*son

'the results are out, i did so badly'

.
.
.

and i knew she knew way better than i did
she was really smart
i had a mini-stroke
i was torn.
i didnt know if i shud check my results straight away
..but i thot i kinda had to
in a worst case scenario, i might have to resit today

so i went to check using A*vin's PC
and
.
.
.
.
'we are glad to tell you that you have achieved 85% in your Paediatrics Professional Examination. Congratulations!'

oh my God! that was a good news as i really thot the exam was such a murderer! i am really really glad. so glad.
i had been through a lot in this rotation.
i worked so hard (hence the rubbish blog. sorry)
and i think i deserve this.
Thank you God.

Remember i mentioned in my previous previous update, i had 3 good news to tell:

first: i got 96% for my Surgery Professional Exam, a month back
second: i was ranked in the first Quartile in the course!
and third: i have received my Mensa IQ Score Results, and i got 164! and now i am a member of Mensa!

ahh... i am so happy just now! like flying to the moon. everything is going great, despite the fact i still dont have a boyfriend. haha! but who cares. i love my career. and i love my life!

p/s: see you guys in KL soon-i.e. next week! :D

Azzurri

important entry!

Dear beautiful strangers

i am in the hospital library
checking my emails and blog..
tapi i cant concentrate!
i am extremely distracted!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

this guy sitting next to me is REEEEAAAALLLYYYY HOT!!!
who is he??! damn, ok i need to go.. to investigate.
ciow!

break!

Dear beautiful strangers

i am sorry. i am extremely ridiculously busy
i have exam next week. i am struggling now actually

the good news is- i'll be flying back to KL immediately after that
my schedule is actually still all over the place.
i will be spending a few nights in London after exam
then fly back to KL
and i may need to go to Sabah or Sydney after that,
-but that is still under discussion with my parents and the hospitals there.

however, the most important thing, ill be having a break for 3 months!
yes! i have not had holidays for the past 20 weeks.

ill talk to you soon right dearies
i have missed updating you guys with my pathetic stories.
we'll see. i hope i can squeeze in some time at any of the airports to update my blog
but i still love all of you :)


Azzurri

happy raya :D

Dear beautiful strangers

i am sorry for being rubbish updating my blog.
i was sent to a rural hospital for the past 3 weeks, and fasting at that time wasnt easy
penat, but yes. it's over alhamdulillah.

i hope it's not too late to wish all sayangs, happy raya!
Eid Mubarak :)
apology for anything bad i have said and done in my blog (azzureak, i am sorry if i hurt you in any ways)
i hope we can all continue being blog friends.

i ahve 3 good news to mention in my blog.
but i still wanna keep it for a special entry.
will let you know soon....................

today is the second eid day in here
i am now in the library working
i dont celebrate it
i have told my family, if i was not with my family, i would not celebrate it at all
so here i am, doing work.

but you guys have fun
remember me when you eat all those amazing food (i dunno the names of all this wonderful food served on hari raya in malaysia-- but i learnt a lot from your blog,captainhooked ;))


Love
Azzurri

i lost. for the second time.

Dear beautiful strangers

last Friday. fancy dinner. with my surgery group.
i organized it.
at the Kismot Restaurant. Indian food based.
great restaurant. you are allowed to bring wine and beer, which was important.
food was amazing.

the company? it was alright.
R*bert was there.............................and Di*na too.
i spent the whole day to look good.
went to do my hair at 12 noon.
did my nails alone.
chose my velvet white dress which enhanced my boobs.
and sprayed on my favourite perfume D&G The One.

R*bert came with Di*na.
i was fine with that. totally. even tho i knew Di*na was playing a game.
to hurt me.
Dinner was great, i mingled a lot. so didnt concentrate on Robert alone or anyone else in particular.
i was with everyone. coz i felt obliged to do so.
i have to say, Diana looked pretty that night.

we planned to go to LaMonde Pub after that, for drinks and hang out.
i invited Di*ana. She said No as she needed to meet up with 'someone' after that.
then i wanted to ask R*bert.
before i managed to open my mouth to ask him, Di*ana shook her head and gave a signal to R*bert not to go.

that was then Robert said....
...sorry azzurri, i promised Di*ana to walk her back..

entah la. i rasa Di*na selfish!
because its supposed to be a group fun
and i know she was meeting up with someone else later that night
and NOT with R*bert.

and R*bert being 'smart', was willing to jeopardize his own fun just to walk a girl back.
plain stupid.
jealous? yes i am. because he's kinda made his choice on who's winning between me n Di*na.

some of you might wonder about Dr C*rlo C*resa. i will write about him in the next update.
have been trying to run away from him because this is it between us. i am done.

p/s: before Di*ana and R*bert left, Di*na actually turned back and winked at me! yes! BITCH is the word you're looking for.

homesick

Dear beautiful strangers,

i am homesick.
rindu mama.
rindu papa.
rindu Mimi, my sister.
rindu Hilmi, my brother
rindu my cousins.
rindu my grandpa.
rindu my aunties, uncles.
rindu my nephews. Darius, Fabian
rindu home sweet home.
ah.. rindunya. i sedih.

ok. i nak sambung napping. it's NHS holiday here today. thank God.

i am done

Dear beautiful strangers

No more Dr C*rlo C*resa.
it's all over.
Fullstop.

Azzurri

Azzurri, unintentional stalker!

Dear beautiful strangers,

yesterday.
i went to computer lab.
i saw Tim
decided to sit next to him.
and i did.
thats when i realised the other table next to me had already been occupied as well by someone.
could see lots of books and files
i didnt care

i asked Tim, 'where's Dr C*rlo? have u seen him at all today?'
Tim. probably jealous, said 'Azzurri. i dont care.'
haha!
and i was like .'okay. but you dont have to be rude.'

at the same time.
i took a glance at the books at the other table next to mine.
stated clearly on one of the books 'C*rlo C*resa'

WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

talking about 'meant to be?!' Hiks! hahahahahaaaa...

and instantly, he just appeared in front of me.

C*rlo: Hi Azzurri!
me: Hi (blushed, obviously!)
..one thing led to another, of course..

Tim whispered to me from the other side.
'you know you dont really come off so good now'

me: Why?!

.........................a looooooooonnnnggggggg pause..

Tim: you actually look like you have been stalking him, dont you realize that?

that was when i remembered all C*rlo's friends were actually smiling in a cheeky way after they saw me sitting next to Carlo's table.

this is just great! i'm a stalker now!

my uterus contracting!

Dear Beautiful Strangers...

sleepy.
one BIG word for today!
i just finished an endless ward round in children ward,
lepas tuh, i sempat main 'sticking pictures' with one little boy, Liam
he's admitted because of bronchiolitis- inflammation of bronchial tree..
he's wheezy, coughing all the time
he's tiny little body shaken every time he had to cough something up
but nothing came out.

kesian dier, baru 1.5 tahun dah experienced so much
did i tell you guys, i love kids so much? too much actually!
being in the wards with them make me so happy, i just wanna play with them,
make them happy, make them smile, make them love me.
in fact, sekarang i dah mula rindu dgn boy tadi.. Liam.. i am too sensitive!

before i left, he said something with his kid accent.. so cute..

'Doctor, where are ya goin? r u comin back t'play with mey?'

it broke my heart.. really really broke my heart when he said that
but i had to leave, to work...

'to baby boy liam, i wish i could put you in my pocket and bring you back with me sweetie'

....there's nothing i could do, i had to work. so i went to him and smelt his head, and kissed his cheeks...

..my uterus started contracting.. again!

random-ness 2

Dear beautiful strangers,

hows everyone doing?
ampun kan i so much for being crap in updating my blog.
bz having fun this weekend la sayangs..

when i am typing this, its 747 pm which means another 10mins before i can eat
i hv been quite good in fasting this year
i didnt complain about hunger or thirst that much
probably, the weather has been helping me a lot

i am trying to cook nasi lemak today after 3 months not eating rice,
my mom suggested nasi lemak for my meal today
so i was like...'why not? i have not been eating rice for 3 months. so tonight may be the night'
my mom..'WHAT??! YOU HAVE NO RICE FOR 3 MONTHS?what is the matter with you? i blame your dad's English blood in you!!!'
..i thought that was really hillarious..

and also, someone said i was getting thinner,
she said i looked like a lollipop!
what a b*tch!! haha....
i think she might be rightt..... i ll start eating really well from now on....

and also, i had a fantastic tame weekend..
will share it with you soon.
till then, allow me to eat now sayangs...

(someone has been forgetting about me sejak puasa started... hmmm.... probably he's having fun break-fasting with his family kan? poor me....)

Azzurri

random~ness

dEar BeAutiful sTrangeRs,

hi sayangs..
i fasted for the first time today.
had a few people coming to my apartment for dinner.
prepared simple dishes as i didnt have so much time to do anything fancy.
cheesy nachos with salsa and chicken salad for starters.
roasted lamb, mashed potatoes, carrots and cheesy cauliflowers for main meal.
cheese cake for dessert.
apple juice as a complementary.

kenyang sangaaaatttttt.................

i got my SSC results yesterday.
and i got 90% for that! yes, i am really really glad!
so i'm going to present my project's proposal next week. in front of the head of the Hospital,
scary, i know.
but do you know what is at the top of my head right now???

.....
....
...
..
i sedang fikir, baju ape yg i nak pakai during the presentation? hiks!

and also,
you guys.
i think i have this huge crush on this guy, Dr C*rlo C*****,
picture below, mind you.
but he's been ignoring me for the past few days.
bummer!~how do you get over your crush?? any tips girls??? (or boys?)

kenape yer? he's playing hard to get? he's not interested at all?
ok. stop Azzurri.
get ready for the presentation!
and doakan i could pass well in my previous exam you guys.


love Azzurri.

i win... i think!

Dear beautiful strangers,


this morning, my friend J*ss sent me an MMS,
with a tagline..'recognize this??!'-->referring to the photo up there!


that photo made me smile straight away,
what a way to start my day,
with a photo of Dr C*rlo C*****, hehe...


Jass has been saying how beautiful/broad/sexy Carlo's back is.
i never understood that, until i received the photo above this am.


I replied to Jass:
"dont you ever dare stalking my boy from behind, woman! :P"
she then said:
"best woman wins!"
and well.. after that i went to facebook, and i saw a reminder
"Azzurri.. you were poked by Carlo C*****"


...hiks! i guess i have won then.... :)

bodoh kan i?

Dear beautiful strangers,

Hi sayang-sayangku semua!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i am so glad, i am actually back and manage to post something up
now i have the time.. the freaking blaaarrrrrdddddyyyyyyy time i was depriving of,
because it's all over...

ape yang dah over??

yup i wanna make a list:

1. my horrible Surgery rotation is over.
2. my not-so-horrible Anaesthetic rotation is over
3. my good Critical Care rotation is over
4. and my frickin-tasty Accident & Emergency Rotation is over
5. my night shifts in the hospitals are over
6. my commuting to Stirling is over
7. my late evenings and late nights revision sessions are over
....and most importantly...
8. my exam is overrrrr..........................................! it happened this morning. and i am so glad.

i hope the list has already explained my silence for the past week. sorry sgt2.

(in fact i was actually busy in the Emergency Room with Robert and busy revising in the hospital library with Carlo... hiks! ;) )

hmm.. mlm nih i deserve a real celebration. i have actually slept and eaten in the library for the past weeks okay.

no healthy food
no make ups
no facial cleansing before sleep
no manicure, pedicure-ing..
no hot guys -even tho robert and carlo were around, tapi bukan boleh buat apa2 pun.. i buruk sekarang :(
no long hot bath
no long candles and aromatherapeutic moment
rindu.. i miss my life! i am gonna get those back! whatever it takes.

anyway, sayang2 ku semua..
when i'm typing this, i am still in the hospital library
supposedly, i shud have a lecture right now on Pharmacology
tapi, baru jer i masuk the common room, i saw my Ex,
ahhhh.. benci! benci! i hate the owner of that body!
i hate him. so after buying a cookie, i decided to leave,
but i was stopped by the guy who was talking to my ex at that time.
so basically, my-ex was standing right in front of me-looking at me up down and up and down again.. hiks.

and that guy-mike (the guy who's talking to my ex) was asking how the exam went..
probably a reflex reaction, i straight away said ......

'it was easy! really. and anyway mike, see you at laura's party tonight. i might be slightly late coz i HAVE A DATE AT TIGERLILY before that!'

...sedangkan i am just going to have dinner with my girlfriends there...hehe!

bodoh kan i?
hiks!

(and also, i decided not to go to the lecture sebab MALAS and BENCI)

i dont wanna lose

Dear beautiful strangers,

hi sayang2 ku semua.. ape khabar kamu?!
how's weekend sayangs? (is 'sayangs' the plural version of 'sayang' in Malay?)
i want to apologize for not yet continuing my party story. i have exam next Friday, so now working hard and the fact that i am now attached to Emergency Room, it makes everything more hectic than usual, but i promise bile ader mase, i will defo continue ok, sayangs?

anyway, i was so upset on Saturday. yes it's because of Robert. tapi kan, i dun even know why i was upset, i dont think i like this guy in that way... really dont think so. but, that morning, around 11am, i was walking around the town looking for suitable cafe for me to study (i love to study in a cafe by the way)... on the way looking around for a cool cafe with my books (i looked so nerdy with my specs and all, didnt really dress up), i ran into Diana! she said hi, and stopped me.she went on and on and on about the fact tht she just finished doing her eye-brows in one shop, and they were sore, but they looked so pretty (ohh please..) and she was like, 'azzurri, are you okay? you look terrible..'

i felt like a slap in my face when she said that. buruk sangat ke i that time?! shit! or she just wanted to make me feel bad like she always did.. i dont know.

i then buggered off..

i then shockingly met Robert, walking with his cousin. to my suprise, when he saw me, he smiled and jumped on me and hugged me for quite long. he looked so delighted seeing me. i was worried if i looked really terrible and geeky that day, so i didnt really lengthen the conversation. malu kalau i memang buruk!

i then buggered off..

that night, i got a msg from him, asking me how my weekend had been. he then texted back saying this..

"...i spent all day with my cousin but i managed a couple of hours with Diana too...."

i sedih! i was jealous! i geram dgn perempuan tuh, tak tau kenapa?!
i then replied..

"..couple of hours with Diana? interesting! so when is your couple of hours with Azzurri?.."

and he didnt reply...!
i felt REALLY shite after that! did i actually sound inappropriate? coz i like to just act it cool but i was sad too. Diana managed to do that again, making me feel bad---- Diana did tell me her bad intention towards getting Robert, then dump him like she did to other guys and the fact that he could win this guy and not me----she said all these when she was drunk at my party (will tell u guys the detail in my next post abt the party)

i think i feel stupid for playing along with this
i think i feel stupid for being sad knowing they spent couple of hours together
i think i feel stupid for being equally competitive against Diana
should i just back off?
... but if i do, would she think that i've given up and lost?.. i taknak kalah jugak..
... tp memang mungkin i lebih buruk dr diana, and she's prettier than me kan?..entahla..
tp again,...i taknak kalah jugak.....

'Only love' part 2!

...read the line above..

that's the note

that's his handwriting

the handwriting below is mine

..sweet..

ohh Robert, i wish i could like you....

"only love?"

Dear beautiful strangers,

I met Robert in the hosp computer lab, n i told him i couldnt be in the ICU tonight, as i needed to study. so i told him not to judge me at all. then i went to the toilet. when i came back, he's gone, but i saw a tiny lil note on my computer, saying................



"No judgement.Only love."



is that a big deal? i dont think it is. ach Azzurri, get away...

party! (part 1)

Dear beautiful strangers,

banyak yg tahu about my flat-warming party last friday kan?
hmm... yes, it went well. and the theme was just-------- 'looking really goooooood'! hehe!

that friday went pretty well for me actually.....

around 12noon, i went to Zen Hairstylist to do my hair,
i then decided to do my own nails, and not at any manicurists. kenapa?
becoz i was just thinking, that would be the best time to be creative kan?!
so after buat rambut (is that how u say it in Malay?), i went back and did my nails pulak..

*kalau i rajin, i upload my nails photos okay?!.. hiks!

so for girls, sesiapa yg nak buat manicure, and taknak bayar byk2 at manicurists, and if ur in the UK of coz (hiks), i am more than happy to help...for free, coz i just bought a whole new filing set, complete with one dozen nail colors.. yes 12 colours. hehe.

i coloured my nails silver, as backgrounds. then i put layers of gold, crossing diagonally,
so in the end, they were half silver and half gold. and after that i sprinkled goldusts on the silver area..and tadaaaaaaa.......

...... they just looked awesome and classy!!!!!! hehe. i didnt say it. people said it. hiks!

as usual, before the party started, i just did a normal preparation, cleaning and tidying up the flat!
i know people will be using the entire apartment including all the 3 rooms. so i had to clean everything and everywhere in the apartment. i did my shopping in between. dont ask how much i hv spent for everything..! i dont want to feel guilty :p

i took out my speakers to the lounge, to play my music playlist, continuously, during the party for anyone fancies dancing..
i did all my shopping, fingerfoods, nachos, dips, candies, spirits, siders and 2 bottles of good rosey.
i planned to make my own cocktails for the guests..

i then went into my wardrobe, and chose a grassy green dress, with silver belt, surrounding my waist very tightly (you just want to show ur curves, dont you girls? ;))
and the dress is thigh-length, kinda short i know. but it's a flat party, so i presumed it would be ok. i chose the best bras (light green) with the best bra-strap (embroided!), coz girls, u know, u just need to show that off.. hiks!
i put on my finest accessories, golden earrings and bracelets. no necklace, as i dont want people to be distracted by anything else on my chest, other than my.... hiks!
i chose my silver pair of shoes...
so basically my theme colours tht night were grassy green, silver and gold... including my nails mind you!

while getting ready, i just called dominos pizza, as i havent eaten anything else the entire day,
and i didnt want to eat so much either, didnt want to feel bloated and stuffed! so while waiting for the pizza, i prepared the cocktails..

i had planned to actually make 2 types of cocktails that night: 'Del Boy' and 'Sex On The Beach!' they are sweet and easy to make! and the colour is presentable!

The pizza boy arrived. passed me the pizza, collected the money,........ smiled and winked!!!!! yes he winked! kinda cute.. but too young. hehe.----i was like 'hmmm this is a good start' (*in my heart, of course).. that really raised my confidence and yup! my mood... party mood...

..... all my close girlfriends arrived the earliest generally, before the boys. emma, alison, sarah and jane...to be honest, i really couldnt wait for these boys to arrive, i had been very selective in inviting the guests.. i'm sorry, but for a good party, you need to filter your people. as i have said before, whatever you wanna do, do it pretty-ly. including your guests..just choose the pretty ones! hiks! so you can presume the criteria of my guests (esp boys) that night....

we, girls were all gossiping while waiting for these heroes to come...
.......Del, Hawk, Carlo (the most awaited boy by azzurri.hiks. i am having a really really huge crush on this italiano + scottish bloke, just plain handsome.yes he is.), Robert (my hosp partner, remember?), Mike (my gym personal trainer), Ben (jesus-look-alike), Matt (a new hot boy in town), 'hot' Raj (my old crush.. just beautiful-but-boring -3Bs), Blacky...the list could go on and on and on...

.. i was having palpitation while waiting. nervous.just plain nervous. but also, couldnt wait any longer. just wanted to have fun after a while...


*to be continued....

a confession nak kurus!

Dear beautiful strangers,

i am now having a lunch break in the hosp.
i was in the operation theatre the entire a.m.
will be there the entire p.m. too later
hope things will get more and more interesting

anyway, it's so not appropriate for me to write about my party right now
as the mood to actually explain it isnt there yet!
i am in the hosp for heaven's sake, what do you actually expect? hiks! :)

however, i need to answer a few emails i got from some beautiful strangers
people asked me the significance of the photo at the top right of this page
the photo of half of a woman's face, and two legs
i have been thinking thouroughly
and i decided to confess
that's actually my photos,
they were parts of my portfolio when i was involved in part-time modelling a year ago
that was why i commuted back and forth between milan-london-edinburgh (read previous post)
that was why i just put half of my face and just the legs:
i dont want anyone who knows me to recognize me instantly
but i just realized, who actually would give a damn about it?
and what's the worst that could happen anyway?! hehe..

just so you know, that was then, when i was 47-49kilos,
i now weigh 54 kilos, and i stopped modelling temporarily,to concentrate on my medical career
i dont know if i should continue tho (dah gemuk! hiks!)
Liverpool winter fashion show and Edinburgh Charity Fashion Show are coming up
i am tempted to join, but i am fatter now.
so if i could lose 7-8kilos in the next 2 months, then i might do

tengok lah macam mana... i asyik nak makan jer sekarang
in fact semalam i buat haddock pie! and i ate at 10pm for crying out loud!
so bayangkanlah macam mane nak kurus?! you tell me!

..a fragile spot in my heart bled again..

Dear beautiful strangers,

i met him again, my ex in front of starbucks.
havent talked to him for months,
he was walking with another girl
he didnt even look at me
he just walked off
and i was immediately told tht his birthday party was going to be this weekend
and i am definitely not invited
so, this weekend, it's totally accurately a year sharp since we broke up
as we broke up on his birthday night last year
and since then we have never had a proper meeting and chat
..and today, after a while i havent thought about him, all the feelings and memories rushed in back into my head,
i am actually still bothered.
the fact that he has a new girlfriend already, i feel such a loser


:(


what's wrong with me? why should i feel sad thinking about him?
i thought i have totally over this guy,
but he's one hell of a guy
he used to stay in the special place in my heart
now he had vanished,
and when he did, i kinda lost half of my heart.

....so you, Mr A****H (J***Y) S***H..
just walk away, dont say goodbye,
dont turn around now
you may see me cry
i shouldnt fall apart and show my broken heart
or anything i still feel for you
just walk away, and close the door
let my life be as it was before
there's nothing left to say
just walk away....

may be i am not pretty enough, may be i'm not kind enough, may be i'm not smart enough or may be i didnt love enough. sometimes i dont know what a guy wants.

(i want to put his photo up here, but i decided not to, because if i do, everytime i open this blog, i will be seeing the face, the look, the body, the figure, the man that i have missed so much. i have closed the book with him, so i might as well just put 'the book' in a very secure little 'box' in my brain, lock it up and throw the key farfar away from me)

what do guys really want?- FYI, when i first started going out with this guy, i weighed 57kg, and he complained abt my 'overweight', i starved myself for 3 months, eating just carrots and nothing else, i lost almost 10kg, and i became 47 kg... i did that for him.no other reasons. i travelled back and forth from milan to london back to edinburgh, back to milan (as i had a job in Milan that time), every single weekend for 3 months during my summer hols, to see him. i wore diff clothes evrytime i went out for dates with him, i dressed the best for him, i couldnt be any prettier than that just for this guy. i ordered a full gym set for him for his birthday present, organised a party for him, BUT on that birthday night, he got so drunk and kissed another girl he just knew?and i caught him doing that in his room, which i cleaned a few hours before!! do i deserve that? is it acceptable to blame it on the alcohol for that?

so boys. what do you actually want from a girl?

Azzurri

'thong' problem!

Dear beautiful strangers,

Ni bukan story i mmg planned nak cerita (i tak faham ayat i sendiri)

But i mmg ade tiny little problem,

you know how cold and non-sunny the country i live in right now kan?!

Hence, i just bought a new, fresh from factory, huge, kinda expensive dryer, Philip brand to dry my clothes.

Tp i really really really think that my thongs are too delicate to be in the dryer.

so what should i do?

takkan la i nak dry my thongs kat balcony, next to the windows kan?!

what kinda impression people may get?

...not mine, but i wish it is.. what a nice embroidery..

..........i nak letak dlm oven la, ok tak?! hiks!

Luv Azzurri

special entry :)

Dear beautiful strangers,

Hi sayang2 ku semua,
i am back! i am back! i am back!
banyaknyer story to share..serious!
tapi kan.. i nak mkn cereal dulu.kejap yer?!
rindu semua...!

P/S: Hi kadok, Hi marjerin! Hiks! ;)
Hi Am, jap lagi i tell you abt the party okie?!

Love Azzurri

satisfying exhaustion

Dear beautiful strangers,

sayang-sayangku semua,

truthfully, aku tidak mengabaikan blog ini,

ICU has been so busy in Stirling,

i only have time to just visit the blog and not to write a new post,

give me some time, i have so many stuffs to share,

buat mereka yg masih ingat, tomorrow (Friday) is my party,

i have to rush back home from Stirling tonight,

tired..tapi puas...

aku masih syg semua...

Luv Azzurri

sayonara!

Dear beautiful strangers,

Esok i akan berangkat ke Stirling.. working there for a week..
Alone..
In a place, not familiar to me..
Pray for my safety and pray that i could do my work well for my patients..
I akan cuba buat everything dgn ikhlas untuk semua..
I hope i can have a fair internet access for me to update you guys about myself, for anyone concerns..
Till then, i love you, dear strangers...

Luv~Azzurri

a therapeutic evening, knowing 'life is beautiful'

..a dream-catcher...

Dear beautiful strangers,

...some might be wondering what i had been doing to recover from a downfall of emotions immediately on thursday after i got back from the hospital..

..i was upset,, obviously. that was when i updated my diary with 'one litre of tears'. i was in fact very tearful at that moment. then, i was like, 'shit what do i do next?'

..waktu itu, perasaan ini rase berat sgt. berat, seperti ingin terus menangis. menangis sampai lega and satisfied. tapi semua org ade threshold and limit for everything. i byk nangis hari tuh, since the hospital lagi. jd after i finished checking my blog, i dah mcm tak boleh nangis dah. BUT PERASAAN MASIH BERAT. rase mcm nak nangis lagi.. pelikkan? tapi i mmg macam tu. so, i decided i wanna watch my everlasting favourite japanese drama, that...

... never failed to make me cry so far,

... never failed to reach the deepest point of my heart and stay ther for hours or days, making me wondering about stuff,

... never failed to make me feel how lonely my life is sometimes,

... never failed to make me realize tht i actually havent found my man,

... never failed to make me think there would be somebody for me out there (despite the fact i dont believe in true love at all),

... never failed to make me feel grateful being healthy (and pretty! hiks! *kidding*)....

i thence decided to watch BEAUTIFUL LIFE, starring my boy ;) Takuya Kimura

(if he proposes to me, there is nothing in this world would stop me from saying Yes! hehe..) and Takako Tokiwa (bless her)..

i 100% recommend this drama to EVERYONE, especially boys.. why boys?! let me tell you why..

All boys out there, this drama represents what a girl wants. thats how we feel (even tho we are not necessarily dying like the character in that drama), but we do feel the same way. Just so you know boys, when a girl loves you, we totally mean it. we would give up everything for you. you would be the best thing in our lives. you would be our priority. that's why, to me, it's hard to love somebody. you dont want your loved one to be stolen away by other people. but at the same time, you dont want to look like a 'ridiculous-jealous-girlfriend' and at the same time you want him to be happy. it's hard hard hard...
..my boy ;)


a few favourite Quotes in the drama, that never failed to make me bursting out in tears...


'If there's a world after death, it could be in someone's heart...
You are in my heart, living in there forever...
Kyoko...did I...love you like I should have......?'~the boy(shuji)


'hey Shuji, this world was beautiful.
looking from the height of 100cm, the world was beautiful.
meeting you, these last few months, my life glittered as if sprinkled with stardust..'~the girl (Kyoko)

'her tears were still warm. and she was smiling. i tried very hard not to forget that smile, and let it stay forever in my mind, my heart, my eyes and my brain...'~shuji

'there's so much in my head i need to tell you boy, but i cant do it now, i just cant. i hope you know it by yourself. i'm sorry~kyoko

...YES BOYS, another thing, being a girl, we cant say so many stuffs directly to you. coz we are scared if they can embarrass us. but we do hope that you would understand. find a way to understand the hidden msg and needs we have. find a way to understand the hidden expectations we have on you. then if you find them, you will be the best boyfriend ever...

anyway, i dont wanna spoil it for you. find the drama and watch it. and boys, that is where a true girl speaks. do listen, not just with your eyes and ears, but do listen with your heart. thats what we want even more.

Some of the subtle details embedded in the drama that i thought were amazing

... Shuji's perception of the world, bending down to 100cm to see what Kyoko's world looked like..

... in the process, Shuji opens Kyoko's eyes to the idea that there's beauty in her kind of life too...

... the subtle reversal of feelings & emotions.....the feeling of helplessness between Shuji and Kyoko...although it's Kyoko that believes her disability a burden to Shuji, it's Shuji who ends up feeling helpless, wanting to let her walk, run, ride roller coasters, but he just can't. he feels bad because he cant do anything.....Shuji wants to be strong and not cry, yet Kyoko hears the sound of his heart crying.....

...the camera angles showing stairs, curbs, legs....especially when both Shuji & Kyoko went up on that play ride, Shuji swinging his legs freely & Kyoko's were still......

...dreams......Kyoko gives Shuji a Dream-Catcher, his dream of becoming a top stylist.....Shuji gives her the red shoes, Kyoko's dream of walking again....Shuji realizes the dream they both wanted......

...the color red....the red shoes....Kyoko's red car and the fact that she feels like anyone else when she's in it...the little red socks she gives to Sachi for the baby...Shuji often wears red, loving Kyoko "barrier free", treating her as he would if she were normal, wanting to be more than just a Christmas tree ornament in her life..

.. Even Kitagawa Eriko wrote in her novel that she "believed people had the strength (ability) to think that any sort of life is actually beautiful...it wasn't the length of a lifetime but rather what one did during that lifetime that mattered...that death was although scary, wasn't an exceptional event, it's something everyone has to face...."

...I guess Shuji & Kyoko's story of their "Beautiful Life" isn't the fact that they lived happily ever after...but the fact that they lived.... so do watch it, as it made me weeping like a baby the entire night, and i felt so much better waking up on Friday morning =)

'Unable to sleep tonight in the hospital, I write this...
how great this happiness with you is...
as if I'm not losing to this suffering now...I write this...

You saved this tiny life of mine...
I'm holding it in my hand...as if not letting it disappear...
holding on not letting it disappear & thinking about you...

I want to see more of you.....
want to hear your voice.....
want to be held by you.....
want to be loved by you.....
I want to love you......

My life is my very own...
the one that told me that...is you...

this...beautiful life...'

~Machida Kyoko

Luv~azzurri

arigato!

Dear beautiful strangers,

First of all, thanks for all the support given when i was down recently, thanks for putting down the comments, thanks for all the private emails, the support on YM and MSN. i am so touched with the feedbacks. and that really healed my emotional injury for the past few days.

Secondly, i am sorry for not updating my 'diary' for the past few days. i was totally upset since thursday, it really ruined my entire enthusiasm and excitement for the weekend. i rather had my time alone to recover than boring you guys with my posts, full of complaints and negativity. and now im recovered, and yeah check out any further updates darlings! =)

thirdly, i am new in this public blogging. however i am very honoured knowing my diary is visited everyday by my beautiful strangers. thank you so much, from the deepest of my heart. i would appreciate more if you (all the experienced bloggers out there) could leave some comments or msgs, with your blogs tagged, so that i can pay you guys a visit and exchange blog addresses. anyway, thank you so much for everything-->all my beautiful strangers.

azzurri loves you.

Luv

one litre of tears

Dear beautiful strangers,

i just finished crying..
the exam, the presentation went terrible..
i got grilled like a roasted chicken in the oven..
at one point, i really wanted to leave the room, i really did..

i never liked surgery, but i thought i could fake it!
but No, i hate it even more now.
everytime i think about what happened today, i would be tearful,
i just got back from beanscene, having hot choc with liaa and anthony.

guys.. i wanna cry. i cannot stand this anymore,
i cant stand this stress anymore.
i cant stand being evaluated, assessed, deliberated like this again n again,
i'm so tired being in this tormenting medical field...

i have done so much work these past weeks.
it didnt pay off, at all
i dont want to mention what exactly happened,
coz it would hurt even more..

i'm crying now.. i cant stand this pain anymore..
the pain being criticized publicly, due to my lack of knowledge,
i was embarrassed
i was humiliated
it couldnt get any worse
even my fainting incident was brought up during the deliberation
i found that really unfair
i didnt choose that to happen
i was not like, 'lets just pass out today, and make this surgery more fun!'

what the f*ck? what the f*ck? what the f*ck?
this mark will be brought forward to my finals!
i just dont wanna think about the consequences.
people told me it was not a big thing- as it would only cost me 1%
but i'm talking about my pride, my dignity, my ego
they were all gone today
..away with all my tears..

this never happened to me before
you know.. i just realized, 'not performing well' in exams is really really painful
i could barely stand this..

..oh no. one more thing guys. do you remember rob*rt?
if you dont, read my previous post 'being flirty'
i ran into him on the way back from beanscene...
i couldnt handle my sorrow that well, i was then becoming so tearful in front of him,
he hugged me, it was warm and nice,
until i realized, i didnt really know that guy,
what was i doing?
he later suggested to have lunch with me sometime,
i dont know if i should go...

but that doesnt matter
that doesnt matter to me at all now..
i have even more painful thing in my head at this moment..
the stress of being in medical field could eventually kill me,
i'm sure it will...

Luv

now and later

Dear beautiful strangers,

...in a few hours time..

...i will be assessed by the surgeon..

...i will be presenting 3 cases..

...i will be doing a slide presentation..

...i will be grilled with thousands questions by the consultant..

...my knowledge and skill will be marked..

...and now..

...i'm having butterflies in my tummy..

...i'm having this huge nerve, which is slowly killing my brain cells..

...i'm hoping that everyone out there would pray for good things for me..

something that i need to know how to handle later in the test, a stomach cancer

*strangers out there, this is what you could get after 20 years of smoking*

...with all my luv..

so i heard, wonder, hope, am sure and wish...

Dear beautiful strangers,

...so i heard.......

- life in Malaysia is getting harder....
- fuel price dah naik...
- harga barang2 groceries dah naik...
- highway tol is everywhere in KL. n semua is soo costly...
- utility bills including electricity price rate dah naik...
- even harga beras (rice kan?) dah naik...and the fact that i know well that Malaysians cant live without rice.. and rice cant live without Malaysians (hiks!).. simbiotic relationship!
- and the latest, bus fare pun i heard would be increased..?! ...

...so i wonder...

- are you guys going to be okay?
- can Malaysians actually cope with this?....
- is there by any chance the price can ever go down again? (economy experts, please answer for me?)
- how's Uncle Jo, my dad's gardener, is ever going to survive supporting his wife and 8 boys with very limited monthly income in this such costly way of living in Malaysia?

...so i hope...

- you guys will be strong to face this economical restriction, and financial constraint, for the sake of your family...
- the Malaysian government is doing the best they can to overcome this situation for the sake of the people...
- my dad will give Uncle Jo a raise in his salary.. kesian the boys, nak beli buku, junkfood, nak main2 dgn friends, nak beli baju... oh God, the list will keep going on.. kids have so many desires. tak sampai hati nak tgk when they dont get what they want... susah kan,kalau harga barang mcm ni?
- my parents will be okay, since my siblings and I wont be there to be supported...

...so i'm sure...

- i wouldnt want to go back to Malaysia any soon... i'm scared if i couldnt afford the way of living. how am i gonna do my shopping? how am i gonna do my manicure, pedicure, spa and all? how am i gonna go clubbing? how am i gonna do my hair? how am i gonna do my skin treatment? how am i gonna buy all my books? how am i gonna buy my accessories? how am i gonna travel? ish again, the list can go on and on.. women's desires are unlimited too, mind you! hiks! (kesian all the husbands and boyfriends in Malaysia kan?)

...so i wish..

- all the best strangers in your undertakings...
- you guys to be fine and always happy!

Luv

mimpiku and mimpimu..

Dear beautiful strangers,

...malam tadi i dreamt about me driving a very horrendously ugly car.. dah lar tuh, i drive terbalik! i drive from the back seat, dan facing backwards, tapi the car moves forward!!! ape tuh yek? what's the sign? am i gonna get prettier? hiks!....

Luv

party theme?

Dear beautiful strangers,

i'm currently thinking of what theme for my flatwarming party next Friday evening. havent been successful in coming up with one cool theme :(

but i do know what i want.

.. i want people to look good...
.. i want the costume to be suitable for clubbing afterwards...
.. but 'the more skin, the better'.. hiks!

i have options:
1. cave men (but it doesnt really look good to go to a club with)
2. hula beach (again, not really looking good in the club, is it?)
3. foam party?! (it's too bloody messy for me to clean up the next day)
4. .....................(blank space)............

would any of you guys choose for me, or fill in the blank space for a better option? thank you!

p/s: i know i have a few silent strangers reading my blog, say something please dearies... it's gonna be well-appreciated =)

Luv

drama-queen? Hell No!

Dear beautiful strangers,

how's everyone feeling? naughty? hiks!

anyway, just got back from hosp, doing ward rounds... and i myself am having allergic rhinitis. my place is soooo hazy today, and my sinuses are well-known to be very sensitive to any sort of contamination-smoke, haze, dust, stuffiness or even flies. u name it. i cant stand them all, health wise. not bein a Diva, mind you! hehe..

Yes, i fainted yest. in the operation theatre..how interesting. doctors are meant to treat patients. but then, there i was, fainted while treating a patient. how more embarrassing could it get?!

come to think of it, it looked kinda funny tho. i was late for the surgery, didnt manage to grab any breakfast or any sort of food beforehand. so when i entered the theatre, the anaesthetist was already busy making that patient unconscious.

surgeon: 'azzurri, do you wanna grab coffee or any sort first? we have some time'...
Me: oh no no, dont worry Mr X. i am totally fine, you know me, WORK ALWAYS COMES FIRST.. (super ass- kissing power!!! hik)
surgeon: Good then!

then we started, cutting here and there, burning here and there...

suddenly................

one sort of smell filling up the entire atmosphere of the room. smell of adipose tissue (fat!) being burnt. it's normal tho, but it isnt nice darlings, not at all!.. i started feeling funny in my tummy and throat. but No No No, i wouldnt mention it to anyone, 'WORK COMES FIRST' remember? hik!

at one point, i started seeing 'black dots' in my sight. n i was like 'where do all these dots come from?? my contact lenses? the bugs in these patient's anus? it cant be!!!' haha... (too much infos ha?.. stand it!)

one of the nurses: are you okay, your forehead is sweating like a beast's!
Me: *me smiling* i dont know. i dont think i am feeling that weee..........lll....

.................silence and shockness!.......

yes, I FELL OVER! (before everyone knew it!) yes, i DROPPED *Dead* *Gorgeous* in the operation theatre, literally smiling...! yes i was smiling when it happened. (whatever you wanna do, you have to do it pretty-ly) haha!

now, all the emergency attention was on me! Not on the patient, whose anus was half cut open! but on me!! haha (thats harsh)

oh well.. i was the drama queen there. so expectedly the attention must be on me. they brought me to the prep room to be informally resuscitated with fluids n all.. i got better after 10 mins. n i was banned from the theatre the whole day. i was sent home by a staff.

what happened after that??

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

i have got million SMS texts... not sympathy texts, but congratulating me for my well acting, coming from my Super-Ass-Kissing Power!

p/s: i really wanted to shout to the entire world, 'I WAS REALLY ILL! AZZURRI WAS ILL! N NOT DRAMA-QUEEN-ING! but oh well, who am i kidding? i was smiling when i passed out anyway, who would have been convinced?! hik

pengsan!

.. malu...

i pengsan di operation theatre today

..malu..

whats wrong with me?

geram!

.. i akan dihantar ke rural area in Scotland called Stirling Hosp to work for a week. i'm very upset, i cant believe my name came up! geramnnnyyyyeeeerrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..

benci

benci

benci

(p/s: tak sudah2 dgn masalah! duduk sana sorg2, i takut la.. entah mcmmana tempat tu. i nak cari pon tak tau. dah tu, my name sorg je yg naik. diorg nih mcm tak boleh fikir kan? hantar la lelaki gagah perkasa kerja tempat mcm tuh, hantar i buat ape?!sorang2 pulak tuh.. boleh tak kalau i nak ketuk kepala org skarang? geraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!)

what a night..

Dear beautiful strangers,,

hows everyone feeling??! i feel gutted! knackered! and loads more.. just got back from lunch at the Outsider with my friend F*ith. havent seen her for months, as she was in Tanzania, doing voluntary work in a hosp there. i salute people who are into charities and things like that. i have to admit-i dont do that. i want to. but have never really begun to sort out anything at all. so yes, all i do expects money as an exchange. hik.

i woke up at 12 noon today, awaken by Faith's phone call. and went straight to lunch. checked my phone and i saw 12 misscalls!! that's odd. they are all from Al*son, and a guy friend called H*wk. hmm, i wondered why. but i couldnt care less. was so hungry. so i really enjoyed my potato, cray fish with garlicky fries and ice-cream for dessert.

when i was walking back home, Al*son called again...

Al*son: azzurri you there? (sounded very anxious)
me: yes! speaking.
A: what do you think we should do?
me: do what?! what do you mean?
A: about H*wk!

.... that was when everything just started to come back into my mind like patches of memory re-organizing themselves in my head...

so last night...

i started my night with my dinner at TigerLily..with T*m. just to catch up. we shared loads of stories. he's being cheeky and cute as usual. but i always said to him tht he's ugly. and he always thinks i keep saying that because i fancy him. but to be honest, i just love our friendship too much, and hence i need to always think that he's 'ugly'..anyway, i didnt eat that much, as i was wearing the very very tight low-cut blue top. yes i went all out last night! i was upset and that's what i do when i am upset. fashion makes me happy. food doesnt!

we then went straight to Ol*via's for her party. such an amazing flat! so posh! i m so jealous :p anyway, so much cakes and cocktails to enjoy, but i was stuffed. when i came in, i could see a few naughty eyes were already on me. probably because of my low-cut top. and deep inside me, i kinda regretted what i wore. i kinda made a 'diva entrance' to the party with tht top.

met so many cool people. talked to Sarah B*tty, bout our modelling plan. n i blatantly told her to do something with he 'fankles'= fat ankles. hik. she's so hot! but not her legs and ankles. oops im sorry, hehe *joking*. catching up with so many people. which was good.

n that was when Al*son asked me to call H*wk to come to Opal Lounge, a club we were going to after.

'azzurri,, only you can change his mind.....'

i remember that statement. and me being myself, so flattered with that statement, straight away called this bloke. and i NEVER called him before. in fact i dont even have his no on my phone. i just got it last night from Sarah.

Me: hey H*wk. its me azzurri.
H: hey you. what u up to?
Me: come to Opal later. ill get you a guest list under Ol*via's name. so come around!!!
H: err.. im drinking in Spiegel now. but hang on, ill ask C*rlo. i know you want him to come and not me actually.
Me: (shit!) ..

i hung up.

(C*rlo, gorgeous dude, people have been teasing me with this guy. and i of course dont stop them. he's hot! so oh well, why not. hik)

we then went straight to Opal. had so much fun there. really really. until i got so tired from the dance floor and decided to just sit. Al*son came over and was asking where H*wk was. i dont think he came to opal at all last night. apparently someone told me he had to be in Labour Ward very early morning today.

we ended up texting him via Al*son's phone all night long. H*wk didnt know who we were. we were taking the piss out of him. we were playing strangers, trying to stalk. he enjoyed it at first. but after a while he got so annoyed. haha..!

and we were like..' hey you, come out! we are thinking of having an after-party at the playground afterwards. come out!!!!!' ---that was around 2am.
(why playground? i did go to the playground with my ex before. at 4am. such a memorable plaec to me..)

H*wk replied..'that's the worst plan ever. dont want anyone to get r*ped there'
(to be honest, i dont understand what this meant. i dont know if he was actually worried for himself or for us. hik)

and these 'sms-reply' sessions went on and on until he got kinda annoyed since he didnt know who we were.. and we were not even regretting it.............. UNTIL NOW! now now now!

i dont know what's gonna happen next. coz it's not hard to find the owner of that phone number (Al*son's)... and he will eventually figure this out and i will come off very badly!

i think i will call Al*son now and discuss any sort of damage control that can be done. any ideas?

p/s: did i mention, i am gonna have a flat-warming party in 2 weeks time, on the 8th, Friday. and the theme would be 'the more skin, the better'. hik! so come!!! :P

pp/s: and didn't i mention earlier, i got misscalls from H*wk???!!!!! do you think he's figured it out already??! shit im screwed..

memory of Ph*l while am getting hurt

last night went out for coffee with Anthony and Liaa..at our usual place Glenhas. it was a good tame decent chill-out and i enjoyed it. we had a good chat, catching up after a week not seeing each other as we were separated in different hospitals.

it's pretty scary to know some people were very passionate abt what they liked. Liaa for instance was so into surgery and she was in the operation theatre every single day 6 days a week. and I was just in for like 2 days a week. haha! i never liked surgery anyway, so oh well.. who am i kidding?! unless if there's any hot surgeons operating. hik. i remember when i was doing locomotor rotation, i had a HUGE crush on my orthopaedics surgeon, Mr Ph*l S*mpson. i went into the theatre EVERYDAY! i am not kidding. haha. and one thing that humored me so much when one day he said i was the only person he knew that could pull off scrubs very well. 'thank you very much Mr S*mpson'. oh did i mention that he was in his early 30s, single, a great rugby player,and i heard he became the man of a few matches he played in. so, wow, thats great isnt it? but things didnt end well. we went out to a pub once, and he got bloody drunk! i dont mind that, but at one point one creepy guy just came on to me with his dirty chat and started to touch me.of coz i would feel disgusted! Ph*l was in his own world, not realizing what h haad been happening to me. and that creepy guy went on holding my arm strongly, when i was trying hard to get away. everyone in the pub was so bz getting drunk, and couldnt care less of what was happening around them. so i was struggling to leave that guy, and that was when my top got torn off right at the arm!! and it was my fav top. i got extremely pissed off not just with that creepy guy, but most importantly with Ph*l who was already hammered. i decided to just leave. and that was the last time i saw him. he of coz tried so many times to contact me but oh well.. i was never in the mood to reply.

ok enough about him.

so after chatting with anthony and liaa, we left the cafe around 12am. liaa needed to be at the Emergency Room early in the morning. look how passionate she is. it freaks me a little. when i passed a pub on the way home, i saw Al*son, T*sha and S*rena hanging out with a few blokes i didnt think i knew. they told me there's a party at Ol*via's tonight. Great! i just cant wait. i need a party to dance my pain away. (what pain? hik. yes i am hurt. by 'him'. 'he' must be reading this. yes you hurt me. thanks to you)

one problem. i havent decided what to wear...

2 choices:
a new blue top (kinda low-cut, very tight, but too striking-color wise)
an old red top (not a low cut, but very tight as well, not striking color, but i hv worn
that a lot)--> hv still not decided!

i might be spending the whole day digging into my wardrobe. or prob just go shopping n buy new clothes. i dont know. we ll see.

wait for my next post to know if anything 'interesting' happens at the party.hik.

i'm against Curry! official!

tau tak kenapa i tak suka curry??!

sekali lagi, hari ni, curry embarrassed me!! i was trying so hard to look good in the hosp today kan?! (baca my previous previous entry-then u will know kenapa, sebab i 'kononnya' nak impress one boy in my ward group, so that my flirtatious friend would stop her intention!)

and stupidly stupidly stupidly, i ordered vegetarion curry for lunch! (i TAK PERNAH had huge lunch, but today i didnt know why i did that. too hungry i presume)

and guess what happened?

when i was actually carrying it to the seats, it spilled over my transparent zara cardigan (yes note the word 'transparent' there-trying very hard to be sexy here, my lovely readers..haha) and the stain is YELLOW in colour!!!

i wanted to cry so badly. i cant take the cardigan off. i am wearing very revealing top underneath. so do you know what that means?

I HAVE TO WEAR A 'BIG-YELLOW-STAINED' CARDIGAN FOR THE REST OF THE DAY IN FRONT OF ROBERT (and D*ana!!!!!)

oh no..............

p/s: i think i'll look better if i just go naked. can i just do that? ;) *joking*
pp/s: i think my niat tak baik kot. so Tuhan is teaching me a lesson! nak ajar org, i yg kene ajar balik.hik :p

my kekurangan your kelebihan

1.52 am... London time

... tak boleh tidur. that's me. when my brain has been working, and the momentum is still going on, i just cant get myself to sleep. tolongla. nak tidur. esok, i hv to be at the ward at 8am! entahla.. biler la routine nih akan habis?

i cuba carik punca momentum of my brain.ape yg i fikirkan sebenarnyer?

YES! dah tahu...

do you guys know (Malaysian readers, if there's any..), how lucky you are??! all of you memang bertuah!

kenapa??!

entahla..

kadang2 i rase i'm neither here nor there...not belong to Malaysia, not even belong to UK... no sense of being owned and owning. was born in Malaysia. live in UK, work in UK, for years and years and years. my time di Malaysia terlampau singkat for me to enjoy how it feels like being at home. my responsibility is all here, in the UK...

kadang2 teringin jadi macam anda semua.
complain about the hot weather.
complain about political controversies nowadays.
complain about macam2.
complain about traffic jam...

kadang2 teringin ikut anda semua pergi lunch dekat kedai yg jual mee goreng yg best (mamak?!), makan macam2 yg best2...

kadang2 teringin join anda semua gossiping abt things you put in ur blogs...

entah la..

nak elaborate ape yg i nak pon i tak tahu.. i dont have much experience back home for me to actually share with you guys.

i rasekan kekurangan yg i ade..
kekurangan jd half Malaysian and half not! literally and metaphorically.

entahla.. 'kadok' mungkin akan cakap..'you should be grateful azzurri...'
i know he would say that. betul tak? ;)

tapi kan. mungkin i dah penat?

penat jadi independent. too independent!

being flirty?

i dont think i am that bitchy! but i cant stand someone being so flirtatious in any inappropriate atmosphere. get a grip woman!

anyway.. i have been seeing this 'thing' going on for the past two weeks in the hosp. there is a new guy (student doctor like me too) in my ward group. let me call him, robert. he's not 'wow', but cute, dress well, good body, looking very sophisticated, and yes he's English. one thing abt this guy that grabbed my attention was his intelligence! he basically knows everything. BUT another thing annoyed me so much, he loved to ask so many Questions. he has this Super Ass-Kissing Power! but oh well, im not going to talk abt that.

in my group too, there's a girl. let me call her D*ana.. my friend. yeah i can consider her as one. but my friendship with her looks kinda awkward. we can be nice to each other on one day, but things could just turn upside down on another day. when i say 'upside down' i mean, we could just ignore and 'blank' each other for no apparent reason.

for me, there was a 'reason' actually. she used to be SO FLIRTATIOUS with the guy i was in love with. please note the word 'was' there. yes it's a past tense as it's over. one thing hurt me the most, she used to show me her sympathy every time i had low moments with that guy, without me realizing she was actually trying to prove to me otherwise- proving to me she' hotter, she could get any guys she wanted by being so 'lovey-dovey' w tht guy in front of my face!!!

and the history is repeated... for these past 2 weeks, she has been so flirtatious with this Robert guy. and the fact that i knew she wasnt actually serious with any guys, annoys me so much today! how do i know all these? she SAID IT to me when she was drunk before... she was like,' azzurri (me), i used to like T*m (another friend of mine- good friend), he's hot..! but i've been playing 'hard-to-get' and now he started to show interest in me. that's such a turn-off!!!!' and just so you know people, my friend T*m has cried a few times to me,being broken-hearted with the 'game' she's been playing with him. poor guy.......

so when i saw it happening again to Robert, i was like- THAT'S IT D*ana!! so in the tutorial today, there was an empty seat in front of me. just so you know guys, i DONT REALLY KNOW this robert guy. he's new in the group. today he was late for the tutorial. when he came in, everyone was already seated including D*ana.

i was like..'Robert, come and sit infront of me, i hv been saving this seat for you........' in an intonation that i would never expect could have come out from my mouth. haha! and he was like ..'bless you azzurri...' and smiled. we had a good time in the tutorial.. ;) (you know what im talking abt)- by the way, im definitely not this type of person usually, but i kinda have to do this to teach someone a lesson!

when the tutorial's finished, i walked out with robert and unfortunately D*ana joined us-as expected. and of course she had just appeared and straight away squeezed in to walk BETWEEN me and robert. until suddenly robert said 'azzurri, i like you, you're such a legend!' (and i knew he didnt mean it in a romantic way, it was such a friendly statement)... and i was like 'Reallllllllyyyyy? that's weird because this is actually your very THIRD sentence to me, i dont know what i did to be liked??! in that case, excuse me D*ana, it's pretty clear that i deserve more to be walking in between you guys now...' (and i swear i said it in a joking-ly manner.coz i swear i DONT fancy robert at all! i just want to annoy D*ana and teach her a lesson= NOT TO BE TO FLIRTATIOUS, ESPECIALLY IN A HOSPITAL ENVIRONMENT!! WHO ARE YOU KIDDING?!

...and you guys actually have got to be there to see the expression on her face after i squeezed through to be the centre of them two... anger+jealousy+'i wanna kill azzurri' look=D*ana Flirtikova! hahaha...

a regret

..ill...

nauseated, head spinning

throwing up for thousand times

cant eat

guilt

bed-bound

miss hospital attachment

..i know why...

but for sure, it's a regret!

Yeay, but No!

yeay!

my flight ticket to Kuala Lumpur for Temporary Attachment has finally arrived! hope everything will be great..! as im bringing guests back.. it will be stressful hosting, i know... but oh well, KL here i come!!!! again.

But No..!!

i am broke!!! 670quid has flown away...................... far far away.............................................. damn you, high fuel price shit!

i'm still here, when everyone else has gone

today.. Saturday.

woke up at 12pm. f*ra called to meet up, she's leaving this place in 2 days time. for good... yes. for-ever.. even if she comes back, it would be different. she would just be a visitor..

sedih. thats how i feel... another friend came and left. i have been in this place for years, and throughout i have experienced people coming and leaving. i thot i would have been used to it. but surprisingly No.

masih sedih. tetap sedih.

known f*ra for 7 years. the first time i visited her in her flat in spottiswood street in marchmont when i still didnt know anyone else in this foreign place. she introduced me to k*t, n*w and j*n, who have all left.. that's life i presume. people will keep coming and leaving. you have just got to get used to pertemuan and perpisahan kan?

semua orang dah pergi, tapi kenapa aku masih di sini...?

who's lucki-er?

alangkah beruntung nya org yg tahu ape yg dia mahukan dalam hidup ni..

alangkah beruntungnya org yg dapat lakukan ape yg dia mahukan dalam hidup ini..

alangkah beruntungnya org yg mahir dlm kerja yg dilakukannya, walaupun itu bukan yg dia mahukan dalam hidup ini..

...antara ketiga-tiganya,mana yg lebih untung sebenarnye? yg pasti, aku bukan salah satu darinye..

rude or honest?

situation 1

consultant: ***, how many stages of haemorrhoids?
me: err.. i dont know Sir. i'm sorry.
consultant: there are 4 stages! ***, describe to me each of them!!!
me: i couldnt answer your first question, so i believe that established the fact tht i dont know anything abt the stages.
consultant: how could you not know but some people might know?!
me: i presume different people read different things...?!
consultant: *angry* See me in my office tomorrow!
me: (Shit!)

Situation 2

...in the library...

old man: you shouldnt eat in the library! *shouting*
some girl: *quiet, stop chewing, start keeping her chocolate bar in her bag and was about to be tearful*
old man: how could you do that??? this isnt the place to eat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *shouting even louder*
some girl: *looking confused as she has stopped eating but still getting screamed at*
me: *whispering to the old man* excuse me Mr. can you please ssshhh?! quiet please. the last time i checked, this place was still a library. besides eating, you're not allowed to scream too. so please..
old man: *buzzed off looking angry*
some girl: *smile at me*
me: *confused*

.......am i rude,and too out-spoken? or am i just being honest with what i feel?

being anonymous

ooops did i mention that i actually blogged before? but i had to stop, because people started to know who i was, and started giving comments based on their judgement. n it's totally against the principle why i am writing.

I AM WRITING FOR STRANGERS TO READ.

so even if you are actually not a stranger, please be a doll and fake it.

if you ask me why i REALLY want to be anonymous,
1. i want a freedom of speech. by not being known i can express everything i think without fear of judgement. yes. everything.
2. freedom of expressing my feeling without hurting anyone i know, who may accidentally run into this blog.
3. i want my future reader/s to express their opinion of any of my writing without any bias judgement.
4. it's ALL about being ME, MYSELF and JUST ME.. without external restriction.

so.. let me be anonymous, as long as it makes me happy :)

my so-called diary

hello lovely reader/s.

i'm a student doctor in one of the UK uni.am a Malaysian. yes was born in Malaysia. have been living in UK for such a looooooong time.

now bz with hospital work. bz getting grilled by consultants. bz annoying patients and nurses. bz bz bz....

so this blog will pretty much be my diary. i have never kept a diary myself. ever. not even once in my 23 years of life. i cant see any point of doing that. coz i dont like to know what i did before. i dont want to recall any mistakes, any moment of my life that i have wasted. i dont want. i dont like regrets. i dont like guilts. i hate those two feelings more than anything else.

but im doing this now, NOT to recall what i did, but i do hope one day i have enough readers to help me out in certain decisions i have to make in life.coz... you never know, sometimes, strangers could understand you way better than people who know you... and hence, please do not hesitate to share your opinion in my so-called diary for strangers to read......