i win... i think!

Dear beautiful strangers,


this morning, my friend J*ss sent me an MMS,
with a tagline..'recognize this??!'-->referring to the photo up there!


that photo made me smile straight away,
what a way to start my day,
with a photo of Dr C*rlo C*****, hehe...


Jass has been saying how beautiful/broad/sexy Carlo's back is.
i never understood that, until i received the photo above this am.


I replied to Jass:
"dont you ever dare stalking my boy from behind, woman! :P"
she then said:
"best woman wins!"
and well.. after that i went to facebook, and i saw a reminder
"Azzurri.. you were poked by Carlo C*****"


...hiks! i guess i have won then.... :)

bodoh kan i?

Dear beautiful strangers,

Hi sayang-sayangku semua!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i am so glad, i am actually back and manage to post something up
now i have the time.. the freaking blaaarrrrrdddddyyyyyyy time i was depriving of,
because it's all over...

ape yang dah over??

yup i wanna make a list:

1. my horrible Surgery rotation is over.
2. my not-so-horrible Anaesthetic rotation is over
3. my good Critical Care rotation is over
4. and my frickin-tasty Accident & Emergency Rotation is over
5. my night shifts in the hospitals are over
6. my commuting to Stirling is over
7. my late evenings and late nights revision sessions are over
....and most importantly...
8. my exam is overrrrr..........................................! it happened this morning. and i am so glad.

i hope the list has already explained my silence for the past week. sorry sgt2.

(in fact i was actually busy in the Emergency Room with Robert and busy revising in the hospital library with Carlo... hiks! ;) )

hmm.. mlm nih i deserve a real celebration. i have actually slept and eaten in the library for the past weeks okay.

no healthy food
no make ups
no facial cleansing before sleep
no manicure, pedicure-ing..
no hot guys -even tho robert and carlo were around, tapi bukan boleh buat apa2 pun.. i buruk sekarang :(
no long hot bath
no long candles and aromatherapeutic moment
rindu.. i miss my life! i am gonna get those back! whatever it takes.

anyway, sayang2 ku semua..
when i'm typing this, i am still in the hospital library
supposedly, i shud have a lecture right now on Pharmacology
tapi, baru jer i masuk the common room, i saw my Ex,
ahhhh.. benci! benci! i hate the owner of that body!
i hate him. so after buying a cookie, i decided to leave,
but i was stopped by the guy who was talking to my ex at that time.
so basically, my-ex was standing right in front of me-looking at me up down and up and down again.. hiks.

and that guy-mike (the guy who's talking to my ex) was asking how the exam went..
probably a reflex reaction, i straight away said ......

'it was easy! really. and anyway mike, see you at laura's party tonight. i might be slightly late coz i HAVE A DATE AT TIGERLILY before that!'

...sedangkan i am just going to have dinner with my girlfriends there...hehe!

bodoh kan i?
hiks!

(and also, i decided not to go to the lecture sebab MALAS and BENCI)

i dont wanna lose

Dear beautiful strangers,

hi sayang2 ku semua.. ape khabar kamu?!
how's weekend sayangs? (is 'sayangs' the plural version of 'sayang' in Malay?)
i want to apologize for not yet continuing my party story. i have exam next Friday, so now working hard and the fact that i am now attached to Emergency Room, it makes everything more hectic than usual, but i promise bile ader mase, i will defo continue ok, sayangs?

anyway, i was so upset on Saturday. yes it's because of Robert. tapi kan, i dun even know why i was upset, i dont think i like this guy in that way... really dont think so. but, that morning, around 11am, i was walking around the town looking for suitable cafe for me to study (i love to study in a cafe by the way)... on the way looking around for a cool cafe with my books (i looked so nerdy with my specs and all, didnt really dress up), i ran into Diana! she said hi, and stopped me.she went on and on and on about the fact tht she just finished doing her eye-brows in one shop, and they were sore, but they looked so pretty (ohh please..) and she was like, 'azzurri, are you okay? you look terrible..'

i felt like a slap in my face when she said that. buruk sangat ke i that time?! shit! or she just wanted to make me feel bad like she always did.. i dont know.

i then buggered off..

i then shockingly met Robert, walking with his cousin. to my suprise, when he saw me, he smiled and jumped on me and hugged me for quite long. he looked so delighted seeing me. i was worried if i looked really terrible and geeky that day, so i didnt really lengthen the conversation. malu kalau i memang buruk!

i then buggered off..

that night, i got a msg from him, asking me how my weekend had been. he then texted back saying this..

"...i spent all day with my cousin but i managed a couple of hours with Diana too...."

i sedih! i was jealous! i geram dgn perempuan tuh, tak tau kenapa?!
i then replied..

"..couple of hours with Diana? interesting! so when is your couple of hours with Azzurri?.."

and he didnt reply...!
i felt REALLY shite after that! did i actually sound inappropriate? coz i like to just act it cool but i was sad too. Diana managed to do that again, making me feel bad---- Diana did tell me her bad intention towards getting Robert, then dump him like she did to other guys and the fact that he could win this guy and not me----she said all these when she was drunk at my party (will tell u guys the detail in my next post abt the party)

i think i feel stupid for playing along with this
i think i feel stupid for being sad knowing they spent couple of hours together
i think i feel stupid for being equally competitive against Diana
should i just back off?
... but if i do, would she think that i've given up and lost?.. i taknak kalah jugak..
... tp memang mungkin i lebih buruk dr diana, and she's prettier than me kan?..entahla..
tp again,...i taknak kalah jugak.....

'Only love' part 2!

...read the line above..

that's the note

that's his handwriting

the handwriting below is mine

..sweet..

ohh Robert, i wish i could like you....

"only love?"

Dear beautiful strangers,

I met Robert in the hosp computer lab, n i told him i couldnt be in the ICU tonight, as i needed to study. so i told him not to judge me at all. then i went to the toilet. when i came back, he's gone, but i saw a tiny lil note on my computer, saying................



"No judgement.Only love."



is that a big deal? i dont think it is. ach Azzurri, get away...

party! (part 1)

Dear beautiful strangers,

banyak yg tahu about my flat-warming party last friday kan?
hmm... yes, it went well. and the theme was just-------- 'looking really goooooood'! hehe!

that friday went pretty well for me actually.....

around 12noon, i went to Zen Hairstylist to do my hair,
i then decided to do my own nails, and not at any manicurists. kenapa?
becoz i was just thinking, that would be the best time to be creative kan?!
so after buat rambut (is that how u say it in Malay?), i went back and did my nails pulak..

*kalau i rajin, i upload my nails photos okay?!.. hiks!

so for girls, sesiapa yg nak buat manicure, and taknak bayar byk2 at manicurists, and if ur in the UK of coz (hiks), i am more than happy to help...for free, coz i just bought a whole new filing set, complete with one dozen nail colors.. yes 12 colours. hehe.

i coloured my nails silver, as backgrounds. then i put layers of gold, crossing diagonally,
so in the end, they were half silver and half gold. and after that i sprinkled goldusts on the silver area..and tadaaaaaaa.......

...... they just looked awesome and classy!!!!!! hehe. i didnt say it. people said it. hiks!

as usual, before the party started, i just did a normal preparation, cleaning and tidying up the flat!
i know people will be using the entire apartment including all the 3 rooms. so i had to clean everything and everywhere in the apartment. i did my shopping in between. dont ask how much i hv spent for everything..! i dont want to feel guilty :p

i took out my speakers to the lounge, to play my music playlist, continuously, during the party for anyone fancies dancing..
i did all my shopping, fingerfoods, nachos, dips, candies, spirits, siders and 2 bottles of good rosey.
i planned to make my own cocktails for the guests..

i then went into my wardrobe, and chose a grassy green dress, with silver belt, surrounding my waist very tightly (you just want to show ur curves, dont you girls? ;))
and the dress is thigh-length, kinda short i know. but it's a flat party, so i presumed it would be ok. i chose the best bras (light green) with the best bra-strap (embroided!), coz girls, u know, u just need to show that off.. hiks!
i put on my finest accessories, golden earrings and bracelets. no necklace, as i dont want people to be distracted by anything else on my chest, other than my.... hiks!
i chose my silver pair of shoes...
so basically my theme colours tht night were grassy green, silver and gold... including my nails mind you!

while getting ready, i just called dominos pizza, as i havent eaten anything else the entire day,
and i didnt want to eat so much either, didnt want to feel bloated and stuffed! so while waiting for the pizza, i prepared the cocktails..

i had planned to actually make 2 types of cocktails that night: 'Del Boy' and 'Sex On The Beach!' they are sweet and easy to make! and the colour is presentable!

The pizza boy arrived. passed me the pizza, collected the money,........ smiled and winked!!!!! yes he winked! kinda cute.. but too young. hehe.----i was like 'hmmm this is a good start' (*in my heart, of course).. that really raised my confidence and yup! my mood... party mood...

..... all my close girlfriends arrived the earliest generally, before the boys. emma, alison, sarah and jane...to be honest, i really couldnt wait for these boys to arrive, i had been very selective in inviting the guests.. i'm sorry, but for a good party, you need to filter your people. as i have said before, whatever you wanna do, do it pretty-ly. including your guests..just choose the pretty ones! hiks! so you can presume the criteria of my guests (esp boys) that night....

we, girls were all gossiping while waiting for these heroes to come...
.......Del, Hawk, Carlo (the most awaited boy by azzurri.hiks. i am having a really really huge crush on this italiano + scottish bloke, just plain handsome.yes he is.), Robert (my hosp partner, remember?), Mike (my gym personal trainer), Ben (jesus-look-alike), Matt (a new hot boy in town), 'hot' Raj (my old crush.. just beautiful-but-boring -3Bs), Blacky...the list could go on and on and on...

.. i was having palpitation while waiting. nervous.just plain nervous. but also, couldnt wait any longer. just wanted to have fun after a while...


*to be continued....

a confession nak kurus!

Dear beautiful strangers,

i am now having a lunch break in the hosp.
i was in the operation theatre the entire a.m.
will be there the entire p.m. too later
hope things will get more and more interesting

anyway, it's so not appropriate for me to write about my party right now
as the mood to actually explain it isnt there yet!
i am in the hosp for heaven's sake, what do you actually expect? hiks! :)

however, i need to answer a few emails i got from some beautiful strangers
people asked me the significance of the photo at the top right of this page
the photo of half of a woman's face, and two legs
i have been thinking thouroughly
and i decided to confess
that's actually my photos,
they were parts of my portfolio when i was involved in part-time modelling a year ago
that was why i commuted back and forth between milan-london-edinburgh (read previous post)
that was why i just put half of my face and just the legs:
i dont want anyone who knows me to recognize me instantly
but i just realized, who actually would give a damn about it?
and what's the worst that could happen anyway?! hehe..

just so you know, that was then, when i was 47-49kilos,
i now weigh 54 kilos, and i stopped modelling temporarily,to concentrate on my medical career
i dont know if i should continue tho (dah gemuk! hiks!)
Liverpool winter fashion show and Edinburgh Charity Fashion Show are coming up
i am tempted to join, but i am fatter now.
so if i could lose 7-8kilos in the next 2 months, then i might do

tengok lah macam mana... i asyik nak makan jer sekarang
in fact semalam i buat haddock pie! and i ate at 10pm for crying out loud!
so bayangkanlah macam mane nak kurus?! you tell me!

..a fragile spot in my heart bled again..

Dear beautiful strangers,

i met him again, my ex in front of starbucks.
havent talked to him for months,
he was walking with another girl
he didnt even look at me
he just walked off
and i was immediately told tht his birthday party was going to be this weekend
and i am definitely not invited
so, this weekend, it's totally accurately a year sharp since we broke up
as we broke up on his birthday night last year
and since then we have never had a proper meeting and chat
..and today, after a while i havent thought about him, all the feelings and memories rushed in back into my head,
i am actually still bothered.
the fact that he has a new girlfriend already, i feel such a loser


:(


what's wrong with me? why should i feel sad thinking about him?
i thought i have totally over this guy,
but he's one hell of a guy
he used to stay in the special place in my heart
now he had vanished,
and when he did, i kinda lost half of my heart.

....so you, Mr A****H (J***Y) S***H..
just walk away, dont say goodbye,
dont turn around now
you may see me cry
i shouldnt fall apart and show my broken heart
or anything i still feel for you
just walk away, and close the door
let my life be as it was before
there's nothing left to say
just walk away....

may be i am not pretty enough, may be i'm not kind enough, may be i'm not smart enough or may be i didnt love enough. sometimes i dont know what a guy wants.

(i want to put his photo up here, but i decided not to, because if i do, everytime i open this blog, i will be seeing the face, the look, the body, the figure, the man that i have missed so much. i have closed the book with him, so i might as well just put 'the book' in a very secure little 'box' in my brain, lock it up and throw the key farfar away from me)

what do guys really want?- FYI, when i first started going out with this guy, i weighed 57kg, and he complained abt my 'overweight', i starved myself for 3 months, eating just carrots and nothing else, i lost almost 10kg, and i became 47 kg... i did that for him.no other reasons. i travelled back and forth from milan to london back to edinburgh, back to milan (as i had a job in Milan that time), every single weekend for 3 months during my summer hols, to see him. i wore diff clothes evrytime i went out for dates with him, i dressed the best for him, i couldnt be any prettier than that just for this guy. i ordered a full gym set for him for his birthday present, organised a party for him, BUT on that birthday night, he got so drunk and kissed another girl he just knew?and i caught him doing that in his room, which i cleaned a few hours before!! do i deserve that? is it acceptable to blame it on the alcohol for that?

so boys. what do you actually want from a girl?

Azzurri

'thong' problem!

Dear beautiful strangers,

Ni bukan story i mmg planned nak cerita (i tak faham ayat i sendiri)

But i mmg ade tiny little problem,

you know how cold and non-sunny the country i live in right now kan?!

Hence, i just bought a new, fresh from factory, huge, kinda expensive dryer, Philip brand to dry my clothes.

Tp i really really really think that my thongs are too delicate to be in the dryer.

so what should i do?

takkan la i nak dry my thongs kat balcony, next to the windows kan?!

what kinda impression people may get?

...not mine, but i wish it is.. what a nice embroidery..

..........i nak letak dlm oven la, ok tak?! hiks!

Luv Azzurri

special entry :)

Dear beautiful strangers,

Hi sayang2 ku semua,
i am back! i am back! i am back!
banyaknyer story to share..serious!
tapi kan.. i nak mkn cereal dulu.kejap yer?!
rindu semua...!

P/S: Hi kadok, Hi marjerin! Hiks! ;)
Hi Am, jap lagi i tell you abt the party okie?!

Love Azzurri

satisfying exhaustion

Dear beautiful strangers,

sayang-sayangku semua,

truthfully, aku tidak mengabaikan blog ini,

ICU has been so busy in Stirling,

i only have time to just visit the blog and not to write a new post,

give me some time, i have so many stuffs to share,

buat mereka yg masih ingat, tomorrow (Friday) is my party,

i have to rush back home from Stirling tonight,

tired..tapi puas...

aku masih syg semua...

Luv Azzurri

sayonara!

Dear beautiful strangers,

Esok i akan berangkat ke Stirling.. working there for a week..
Alone..
In a place, not familiar to me..
Pray for my safety and pray that i could do my work well for my patients..
I akan cuba buat everything dgn ikhlas untuk semua..
I hope i can have a fair internet access for me to update you guys about myself, for anyone concerns..
Till then, i love you, dear strangers...

Luv~Azzurri

a therapeutic evening, knowing 'life is beautiful'

..a dream-catcher...

Dear beautiful strangers,

...some might be wondering what i had been doing to recover from a downfall of emotions immediately on thursday after i got back from the hospital..

..i was upset,, obviously. that was when i updated my diary with 'one litre of tears'. i was in fact very tearful at that moment. then, i was like, 'shit what do i do next?'

..waktu itu, perasaan ini rase berat sgt. berat, seperti ingin terus menangis. menangis sampai lega and satisfied. tapi semua org ade threshold and limit for everything. i byk nangis hari tuh, since the hospital lagi. jd after i finished checking my blog, i dah mcm tak boleh nangis dah. BUT PERASAAN MASIH BERAT. rase mcm nak nangis lagi.. pelikkan? tapi i mmg macam tu. so, i decided i wanna watch my everlasting favourite japanese drama, that...

... never failed to make me cry so far,

... never failed to reach the deepest point of my heart and stay ther for hours or days, making me wondering about stuff,

... never failed to make me feel how lonely my life is sometimes,

... never failed to make me realize tht i actually havent found my man,

... never failed to make me think there would be somebody for me out there (despite the fact i dont believe in true love at all),

... never failed to make me feel grateful being healthy (and pretty! hiks! *kidding*)....

i thence decided to watch BEAUTIFUL LIFE, starring my boy ;) Takuya Kimura

(if he proposes to me, there is nothing in this world would stop me from saying Yes! hehe..) and Takako Tokiwa (bless her)..

i 100% recommend this drama to EVERYONE, especially boys.. why boys?! let me tell you why..

All boys out there, this drama represents what a girl wants. thats how we feel (even tho we are not necessarily dying like the character in that drama), but we do feel the same way. Just so you know boys, when a girl loves you, we totally mean it. we would give up everything for you. you would be the best thing in our lives. you would be our priority. that's why, to me, it's hard to love somebody. you dont want your loved one to be stolen away by other people. but at the same time, you dont want to look like a 'ridiculous-jealous-girlfriend' and at the same time you want him to be happy. it's hard hard hard...
..my boy ;)


a few favourite Quotes in the drama, that never failed to make me bursting out in tears...


'If there's a world after death, it could be in someone's heart...
You are in my heart, living in there forever...
Kyoko...did I...love you like I should have......?'~the boy(shuji)


'hey Shuji, this world was beautiful.
looking from the height of 100cm, the world was beautiful.
meeting you, these last few months, my life glittered as if sprinkled with stardust..'~the girl (Kyoko)

'her tears were still warm. and she was smiling. i tried very hard not to forget that smile, and let it stay forever in my mind, my heart, my eyes and my brain...'~shuji

'there's so much in my head i need to tell you boy, but i cant do it now, i just cant. i hope you know it by yourself. i'm sorry~kyoko

...YES BOYS, another thing, being a girl, we cant say so many stuffs directly to you. coz we are scared if they can embarrass us. but we do hope that you would understand. find a way to understand the hidden msg and needs we have. find a way to understand the hidden expectations we have on you. then if you find them, you will be the best boyfriend ever...

anyway, i dont wanna spoil it for you. find the drama and watch it. and boys, that is where a true girl speaks. do listen, not just with your eyes and ears, but do listen with your heart. thats what we want even more.

Some of the subtle details embedded in the drama that i thought were amazing

... Shuji's perception of the world, bending down to 100cm to see what Kyoko's world looked like..

... in the process, Shuji opens Kyoko's eyes to the idea that there's beauty in her kind of life too...

... the subtle reversal of feelings & emotions.....the feeling of helplessness between Shuji and Kyoko...although it's Kyoko that believes her disability a burden to Shuji, it's Shuji who ends up feeling helpless, wanting to let her walk, run, ride roller coasters, but he just can't. he feels bad because he cant do anything.....Shuji wants to be strong and not cry, yet Kyoko hears the sound of his heart crying.....

...the camera angles showing stairs, curbs, legs....especially when both Shuji & Kyoko went up on that play ride, Shuji swinging his legs freely & Kyoko's were still......

...dreams......Kyoko gives Shuji a Dream-Catcher, his dream of becoming a top stylist.....Shuji gives her the red shoes, Kyoko's dream of walking again....Shuji realizes the dream they both wanted......

...the color red....the red shoes....Kyoko's red car and the fact that she feels like anyone else when she's in it...the little red socks she gives to Sachi for the baby...Shuji often wears red, loving Kyoko "barrier free", treating her as he would if she were normal, wanting to be more than just a Christmas tree ornament in her life..

.. Even Kitagawa Eriko wrote in her novel that she "believed people had the strength (ability) to think that any sort of life is actually beautiful...it wasn't the length of a lifetime but rather what one did during that lifetime that mattered...that death was although scary, wasn't an exceptional event, it's something everyone has to face...."

...I guess Shuji & Kyoko's story of their "Beautiful Life" isn't the fact that they lived happily ever after...but the fact that they lived.... so do watch it, as it made me weeping like a baby the entire night, and i felt so much better waking up on Friday morning =)

'Unable to sleep tonight in the hospital, I write this...
how great this happiness with you is...
as if I'm not losing to this suffering now...I write this...

You saved this tiny life of mine...
I'm holding it in my hand...as if not letting it disappear...
holding on not letting it disappear & thinking about you...

I want to see more of you.....
want to hear your voice.....
want to be held by you.....
want to be loved by you.....
I want to love you......

My life is my very own...
the one that told me that...is you...

this...beautiful life...'

~Machida Kyoko

Luv~azzurri

arigato!

Dear beautiful strangers,

First of all, thanks for all the support given when i was down recently, thanks for putting down the comments, thanks for all the private emails, the support on YM and MSN. i am so touched with the feedbacks. and that really healed my emotional injury for the past few days.

Secondly, i am sorry for not updating my 'diary' for the past few days. i was totally upset since thursday, it really ruined my entire enthusiasm and excitement for the weekend. i rather had my time alone to recover than boring you guys with my posts, full of complaints and negativity. and now im recovered, and yeah check out any further updates darlings! =)

thirdly, i am new in this public blogging. however i am very honoured knowing my diary is visited everyday by my beautiful strangers. thank you so much, from the deepest of my heart. i would appreciate more if you (all the experienced bloggers out there) could leave some comments or msgs, with your blogs tagged, so that i can pay you guys a visit and exchange blog addresses. anyway, thank you so much for everything-->all my beautiful strangers.

azzurri loves you.

Luv