Saturday, 11 July 2009


i'm stressed!


Dear beautiful strangers

... hows everyone?
i sedang sibuk packing up to leave edinburgh and the UK temporarily- probably.
perasaan masih very fragile. i cant believe im leaving this place soon
things seem to be very anti-climax.

the graduation preparation
the graduation itself
the graduation celebrations
the graduation ball

sigh... entah lah, it is an ending, it will be a beginning too. and i am scared for both. i have been too complacent being in my comfort zome here, and a slight of change is scared to be able to break me. hopefully there wont be!

for the past month, i have been quite close to this good friend of mine, J*nny
comel. baik. innocent. bijak.
we went to the gym together.
went out for drinks together.
went out for meals together.
when he was busy with his work/exam, i was there cooking for him.
he came round to my flat, we had such great relaxing fun with a 3 course meal i cooked, and having the beatles songs as the background music of our dinner.
he opened up a bottle of wine
it went all perfect.

but.. two nights ago, i almost ruined it.
we went out for dinner at gourmet burger kitchen
and proceeded to Olorosso, for drinks at the rooftop, watching the sunset in Edinburgh.

i started with a glass of rose.
he started with a bottle of beer, manly!
and then we shared a bottle of white wine, which i drank 3/4 of it- in his defence he would have to drive me back and have an early morning in the theatre the next day- hence he had to take it easy... fair enough!
i got tipsy quite immediately-expectedly as i had a small sized burger for dinner, and the stomach had been empty since morning.
J*nny bought me another cocktails-i cant remember its name, but his favourite.
we shared a glass together-when i said 'shared', i meant he had 1/8th and i finished the rest...

...and the results:

..and i am never cool when i'm drunk.

he told me he had to leave as it was already too late.
being drunk, i became too persuasive for him to stay.
i was soo vulnerable. i was too fragile to accept this drastic transition in my phase of life.
i needed somebody. n he happened to be there. but i acted it all stupidly.

again, he explained, he could not stay as he had to go back to D*nfermline tht night
i begged him to stay
i looked so upset when he said he couldnt.

... and Finally, i SUGGESTED TO FOLLOW HIM BACK TO D*NFERMLINE- which definitely would have been a horrific idea.

and he asked 'WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN D*NFERMLINE IF YOU FOLLOW ME BACK?'...looking unhappy due to my sleaziness.

..i said 'NOTHING-JUST HANG OUT'...(yeaaaaaahhhhhh right!)

he then said it wud be a good idea to send me back home. which he did. he drove me back home. i jumped off the car after giving him a hug, when he promised to call me the next day.
i was so devastated. n i cried by the side of the road when his car left.

i walked slowly home,and then went to bed straight away.

i woke up the next day feeling sooo awful about what i had done. i was so embarassed.
i didnt text him right away, due to my massive guilt. i texted him 2 days after-saying:

"J*nny, i am sorry for acting so ridiculous tht night. i was too drunk and vulnerable about leaving etc. i didnt mean anything nasty when i suggested to follow you back to D*nfermline. i hope this would not mess up our friendship. please reply to this text if you're not mad at me"

...he replied instantly (phew!), saying:

"dont worry, it's nothing. i totally undertstand. it's just water under the bridge :)"

..................................................i was still not entirely happy with that response. too short!

today we met, i acted nothing happened. and i gave him some of my notes and books for him to inherit once i leave. he looked and acted normal.

towards the end of the day with him, i apologized again. he said not to worry. i am going to have another leaving drinks for me with a few good friends this Monday night. i invited J*nny. he said he wud try to come bk from Dunfermline but he cudnt promise... which is fair enough.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,...................................................................the question now is:

..boys, do you want to answer them for me. i just hope he wouldnt think of me as a slut ot anything similar. God forbid!


Monday, 6 July 2009

my big day-->my wedding day!

Dear beautiful readers

Apa kabar kamu? i am awesome!
While i am typing this,my mom is in the kitchen frying 'chikodok'-->whatever that is.
Yes, mom is here visiting me, so is my sister. and my mom has been cooking Malaysian food everyday. yum yum! so, as expected my appetite has been partying extravagantly.

tomorrow is my big day. my Graduation! (haha,...mesti ader yang tertipu! sorry Love, just messin w'ya) the day i am registered with the World/General Medical Council. wooohooo.... i hope tomorrow will go as perfectly as possible. i hope the weather will be all smashing and spectacular!

tonight i will be goin out to see T*sha, Al*son, S*rena, M*ke, J*nny and a few more for a wee celebration in Doctors Pub. probably tht will be the time to kiss some of them goodbyes. sob sob.

also.. to my lovely friends, ill be arriving in Malaysia on the 19th of July with my mom and sis. i sedang pujuk Kadok to fetch me from KLIA tapi as usual he seems reluctant :( terpaksa la i carik KLIA limousin.

ok la sayangs, my moms cooking dah ready. you take care. doakan i gembira tomorrow :)


Monday, 29 June 2009


Hi sayangs

Today i am going to try writing in Malay, which i think my ability has improved tremendously, thanks to my mom n the continuous malaynovels getting sent to my apartment-to pull me back to the root lah-whatever that means..

...hidup ni kadang2 datang dengan beberapa pilihan kan?
kita perlu buat pilihan, as kita tak boleh dapat semua
itu lah yang sedang aku hadapi sekarang
my contract of job in Edinburgh dah hampir tamat
only 3 weeks left.
18 july, tamat la my life in Edinburgh..sob sob

my feelings sekarang cukup mixed
sedih, excited, takut, rindu, sunyi, suspense, anxious, happy
..tak tau which one is more prominent?
and this mixture makes me numb.
i am just numb. tak tau nak fikir apa2 langsung

aku diberikan pilihan untuk kekal di UK, tetapi turun ke England for my next job
in North Yorkshire, near Leeds
i am soooooooooooo not familiar with the place
i dont know what is there for me to expect
yang aku tahu,i have to start it all over again
adapting to all the possiblities-kawan baru, accommodation baru, city baru, hospital baru etc.
...dan aku, secara jujurnya, takut untuk hadapi semua itu, berseorangan lagi...
kepada sesiapa yg mengenali aku, you should hv known, i've spent most of my life alone
aku independent dahcukup lama
even so, i am still scared to experience another cycle of this

my next choice is pulang ke Malaysia, walau ke mana sahaja i might be allocated
another place which i am sure i will not be familiar with
kalau KL, it's fine.. tetapi what happens if it's somewhere else
i am sure everywhere is nice in Malaysia
tapi mampukah aku cope with the new life? new culture? new people? new environment?
aku sekali lagi takut...
..yes, at least i will hav my family with me, but...does that not mean tht i am going to lose my freedom too?
.. i am numb again,,,

there's part of me trying to wander around looking for other possibilities,
i wanna work in somewhere TOTALLY new like...
..New York
Sydney OR
but these places are just toooooooo hard to get in
also, wont i face the same dilemma too?

.. so,here i go again, at this junction
not knowing what to choose
too scared to take any risk
coz i am too fragile
too vulnerable
i have been acting tough for way too long in my life
..i am scared if once i break, i wont be able to gather myself anymore.

..ahhh scary life


Friday, 19 June 2009

i am a 'world-recognized' Doctor!

hey sayangs

i am sure its been aaaaaaaaaages! i am so so sorry the people who didnt know, i was extremely busy for the past months battling with my Final Exams and stuff... and thats why i kept it vanilla and quiet from everyone.

and today i got my results and i am Finally registered with General Medical Council, the doctors association recognized by the entire world. which effectively means i am recognized as a doctor everywhere in the world.. wooooop!! wooooop!!

i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO chuffed! :) :) :)

Gosh, i have worked really hard for the past years to be recognized, and its all paid off today
my fears are totally lifted off my shoulders. i feel so relaxed now.

i can actually work anywhere in the world!!!!! so no pressure on placements and stuff like tht.
ok im gonna go out and celebrate. my boy is waiting ;)

thanks to all who knew and prayed for me.


Monday, 23 February 2009

update on my life, hows that?

Dear beautiful strangers

hows everyone doing?
lama tak jumpe kan? i mean .. jumpe online!
i visit my blog everyday, tapi takde masa nak write down something.
busy la sayang..

ape yer nak update you guys on.
first, i still havent decided whether to work in Leeds or KL.
i masih pening and stressed out over it.
if there's any Malaysian doctor reading my blog out there, can you please let me know how the posting allocation system works back in the country?
i have no idea
thanks in advance

love life?
well.. my life has been boring
i have a good close mate called joshua right now.
and there s nothing much to talk about him
he's well and fine

do you guys remember Dr C*rlo C*r*sa?
yes, he's back in my life
as a good friend
i have stopped all those hintings and flirtings.
how obvious could a girl be anyway?

well.. im going away for a holiday in Amsterdam on the 13th of march for a few days
i need a break
i need to do some fashion emergency shopping

also, i have gained 3 kilos since i got bk from KL
and still having no intention to lose any weight
like most of you have already known, i have stopped modelling temporarily,
to focus on my medical life
so no point of suffering to be skinny, right?

ape lagi yer nak update you guys on
...well, kalau ade ape2 nak tanyer, tanyer la kay.
i dah tak tau nak cerita ape.

hospital library nih pon dah makin empty, i tak balik lagi..

bye sayangs..


Wednesday, 21 January 2009

big decision

Dear beautiful strangers

how's everyone doin?
just so everyone know i am already back in the UK
working in the far hospital i worked before.

i am well thanks.
coming back from 3 months being in Malaysia is never a good thing
feeling sad leaving everyone back home

however when i was in malaysia
i missed everyone and my life here

what a weird feeling
what do i do?

to top it up, i have a huge decision to make
my job place in the future
near future actually
this july.

KL or Leeds UK?


i dont know...