J*nny..........

Dear beautiful strangers

... hows everyone?
i sedang sibuk packing up to leave edinburgh and the UK temporarily- probably.
perasaan masih very fragile. i cant believe im leaving this place soon
things seem to be very anti-climax.

the graduation preparation
the graduation itself
the graduation celebrations
the graduation ball

sigh... entah lah, it is an ending, it will be a beginning too. and i am scared for both. i have been too complacent being in my comfort zome here, and a slight of change is scared to be able to break me. hopefully there wont be!

for the past month, i have been quite close to this good friend of mine, J*nny
comel. baik. innocent. bijak.
we went to the gym together.
went out for drinks together.
went out for meals together.
when he was busy with his work/exam, i was there cooking for him.
he came round to my flat, we had such great relaxing fun with a 3 course meal i cooked, and having the beatles songs as the background music of our dinner.
he opened up a bottle of wine
it went all perfect.

but.. two nights ago, i almost ruined it.
we went out for dinner at gourmet burger kitchen
and proceeded to Olorosso, for drinks at the rooftop, watching the sunset in Edinburgh.

i started with a glass of rose.
he started with a bottle of beer, manly!
and then we shared a bottle of white wine, which i drank 3/4 of it- in his defence he would have to drive me back and have an early morning in the theatre the next day- hence he had to take it easy... fair enough!
i got tipsy quite immediately-expectedly as i had a small sized burger for dinner, and the stomach had been empty since morning.
J*nny bought me another cocktails-i cant remember its name, but his favourite.
we shared a glass together-when i said 'shared', i meant he had 1/8th and i finished the rest...


...and the results:

I GOT TOTALLY DRUNK!
..and i am never cool when i'm drunk.

he told me he had to leave as it was already too late.
being drunk, i became too persuasive for him to stay.
i was soo vulnerable. i was too fragile to accept this drastic transition in my phase of life.
i needed somebody. n he happened to be there. but i acted it all stupidly.

again, he explained, he could not stay as he had to go back to D*nfermline tht night
i begged him to stay
i looked so upset when he said he couldnt.

... and Finally, i SUGGESTED TO FOLLOW HIM BACK TO D*NFERMLINE- which definitely would have been a horrific idea.

and he asked 'WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN D*NFERMLINE IF YOU FOLLOW ME BACK?'...looking unhappy due to my sleaziness.

..i said 'NOTHING-JUST HANG OUT'...(yeaaaaaahhhhhh right!)

he then said it wud be a good idea to send me back home. which he did. he drove me back home. i jumped off the car after giving him a hug, when he promised to call me the next day.
i was so devastated. n i cried by the side of the road when his car left.

i walked slowly home,and then went to bed straight away.

i woke up the next day feeling sooo awful about what i had done. i was so embarassed.
i didnt text him right away, due to my massive guilt. i texted him 2 days after-saying:

"J*nny, i am sorry for acting so ridiculous tht night. i was too drunk and vulnerable about leaving etc. i didnt mean anything nasty when i suggested to follow you back to D*nfermline. i hope this would not mess up our friendship. please reply to this text if you're not mad at me"

...he replied instantly (phew!), saying:

"dont worry, it's nothing. i totally undertstand. it's just water under the bridge :)"

..................................................i was still not entirely happy with that response. too short!

today we met, i acted nothing happened. and i gave him some of my notes and books for him to inherit once i leave. he looked and acted normal.

towards the end of the day with him, i apologized again. he said not to worry. i am going to have another leaving drinks for me with a few good friends this Monday night. i invited J*nny. he said he wud try to come bk from Dunfermline but he cudnt promise... which is fair enough.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,...................................................................the question now is:

SHOULD I WORRY ANYMORE? DO YOU THINK HE MEANT IT WHEN HE SAID NOT TO WORRY?
..boys, do you want to answer them for me. i just hope he wouldnt think of me as a slut ot anything similar. God forbid!

Azzurri