Saturday, 11 July 2009


Dear beautiful strangers

... hows everyone?
i sedang sibuk packing up to leave edinburgh and the UK temporarily- probably.
perasaan masih very fragile. i cant believe im leaving this place soon
things seem to be very anti-climax.

the graduation preparation
the graduation itself
the graduation celebrations
the graduation ball

sigh... entah lah, it is an ending, it will be a beginning too. and i am scared for both. i have been too complacent being in my comfort zome here, and a slight of change is scared to be able to break me. hopefully there wont be!

for the past month, i have been quite close to this good friend of mine, J*nny
comel. baik. innocent. bijak.
we went to the gym together.
went out for drinks together.
went out for meals together.
when he was busy with his work/exam, i was there cooking for him.
he came round to my flat, we had such great relaxing fun with a 3 course meal i cooked, and having the beatles songs as the background music of our dinner.
he opened up a bottle of wine
it went all perfect.

but.. two nights ago, i almost ruined it.
we went out for dinner at gourmet burger kitchen
and proceeded to Olorosso, for drinks at the rooftop, watching the sunset in Edinburgh.

i started with a glass of rose.
he started with a bottle of beer, manly!
and then we shared a bottle of white wine, which i drank 3/4 of it- in his defence he would have to drive me back and have an early morning in the theatre the next day- hence he had to take it easy... fair enough!
i got tipsy quite immediately-expectedly as i had a small sized burger for dinner, and the stomach had been empty since morning.
J*nny bought me another cocktails-i cant remember its name, but his favourite.
we shared a glass together-when i said 'shared', i meant he had 1/8th and i finished the rest...

...and the results:

..and i am never cool when i'm drunk.

he told me he had to leave as it was already too late.
being drunk, i became too persuasive for him to stay.
i was soo vulnerable. i was too fragile to accept this drastic transition in my phase of life.
i needed somebody. n he happened to be there. but i acted it all stupidly.

again, he explained, he could not stay as he had to go back to D*nfermline tht night
i begged him to stay
i looked so upset when he said he couldnt.

... and Finally, i SUGGESTED TO FOLLOW HIM BACK TO D*NFERMLINE- which definitely would have been a horrific idea.

and he asked 'WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN D*NFERMLINE IF YOU FOLLOW ME BACK?'...looking unhappy due to my sleaziness.

..i said 'NOTHING-JUST HANG OUT'...(yeaaaaaahhhhhh right!)

he then said it wud be a good idea to send me back home. which he did. he drove me back home. i jumped off the car after giving him a hug, when he promised to call me the next day.
i was so devastated. n i cried by the side of the road when his car left.

i walked slowly home,and then went to bed straight away.

i woke up the next day feeling sooo awful about what i had done. i was so embarassed.
i didnt text him right away, due to my massive guilt. i texted him 2 days after-saying:

"J*nny, i am sorry for acting so ridiculous tht night. i was too drunk and vulnerable about leaving etc. i didnt mean anything nasty when i suggested to follow you back to D*nfermline. i hope this would not mess up our friendship. please reply to this text if you're not mad at me"

...he replied instantly (phew!), saying:

"dont worry, it's nothing. i totally undertstand. it's just water under the bridge :)"

..................................................i was still not entirely happy with that response. too short!

today we met, i acted nothing happened. and i gave him some of my notes and books for him to inherit once i leave. he looked and acted normal.

towards the end of the day with him, i apologized again. he said not to worry. i am going to have another leaving drinks for me with a few good friends this Monday night. i invited J*nny. he said he wud try to come bk from Dunfermline but he cudnt promise... which is fair enough.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,...................................................................the question now is:

..boys, do you want to answer them for me. i just hope he wouldnt think of me as a slut ot anything similar. God forbid!



Anonymous said...

not to crush any hopes azzurri. but boys can be very subtle. sometimes he really means it when he said don't worry. but sometimes he just said it as a matter of diplomacy when in his heart he really means something else. why don't u just give him a slack azzurri and just accept it that he's fine with it. i reckon it will give both of u a peace of mind.

azzurri said...


thanks so much for the advice. i am still worried, and regretting what happened tht night etc., tonight will be my leaving drinks do, i rreeeeaaalllllllly hope he'll come. then i can leave with a better feeling. i'll miss him a lot a lot though.