one litre of tears

Dear beautiful strangers,

i just finished crying..
the exam, the presentation went terrible..
i got grilled like a roasted chicken in the oven..
at one point, i really wanted to leave the room, i really did..

i never liked surgery, but i thought i could fake it!
but No, i hate it even more now.
everytime i think about what happened today, i would be tearful,
i just got back from beanscene, having hot choc with liaa and anthony.

guys.. i wanna cry. i cannot stand this anymore,
i cant stand this stress anymore.
i cant stand being evaluated, assessed, deliberated like this again n again,
i'm so tired being in this tormenting medical field...

i have done so much work these past weeks.
it didnt pay off, at all
i dont want to mention what exactly happened,
coz it would hurt even more..

i'm crying now.. i cant stand this pain anymore..
the pain being criticized publicly, due to my lack of knowledge,
i was embarrassed
i was humiliated
it couldnt get any worse
even my fainting incident was brought up during the deliberation
i found that really unfair
i didnt choose that to happen
i was not like, 'lets just pass out today, and make this surgery more fun!'

what the f*ck? what the f*ck? what the f*ck?
this mark will be brought forward to my finals!
i just dont wanna think about the consequences.
people told me it was not a big thing- as it would only cost me 1%
but i'm talking about my pride, my dignity, my ego
they were all gone today
..away with all my tears..

this never happened to me before
you know.. i just realized, 'not performing well' in exams is really really painful
i could barely stand this..

..oh no. one more thing guys. do you remember rob*rt?
if you dont, read my previous post 'being flirty'
i ran into him on the way back from beanscene...
i couldnt handle my sorrow that well, i was then becoming so tearful in front of him,
he hugged me, it was warm and nice,
until i realized, i didnt really know that guy,
what was i doing?
he later suggested to have lunch with me sometime,
i dont know if i should go...

but that doesnt matter
that doesnt matter to me at all now..
i have even more painful thing in my head at this moment..
the stress of being in medical field could eventually kill me,
i'm sure it will...

Luv

now and later

Dear beautiful strangers,

...in a few hours time..

...i will be assessed by the surgeon..

...i will be presenting 3 cases..

...i will be doing a slide presentation..

...i will be grilled with thousands questions by the consultant..

...my knowledge and skill will be marked..

...and now..

...i'm having butterflies in my tummy..

...i'm having this huge nerve, which is slowly killing my brain cells..

...i'm hoping that everyone out there would pray for good things for me..

something that i need to know how to handle later in the test, a stomach cancer

*strangers out there, this is what you could get after 20 years of smoking*

...with all my luv..

so i heard, wonder, hope, am sure and wish...

Dear beautiful strangers,

...so i heard.......

- life in Malaysia is getting harder....
- fuel price dah naik...
- harga barang2 groceries dah naik...
- highway tol is everywhere in KL. n semua is soo costly...
- utility bills including electricity price rate dah naik...
- even harga beras (rice kan?) dah naik...and the fact that i know well that Malaysians cant live without rice.. and rice cant live without Malaysians (hiks!).. simbiotic relationship!
- and the latest, bus fare pun i heard would be increased..?! ...

...so i wonder...

- are you guys going to be okay?
- can Malaysians actually cope with this?....
- is there by any chance the price can ever go down again? (economy experts, please answer for me?)
- how's Uncle Jo, my dad's gardener, is ever going to survive supporting his wife and 8 boys with very limited monthly income in this such costly way of living in Malaysia?

...so i hope...

- you guys will be strong to face this economical restriction, and financial constraint, for the sake of your family...
- the Malaysian government is doing the best they can to overcome this situation for the sake of the people...
- my dad will give Uncle Jo a raise in his salary.. kesian the boys, nak beli buku, junkfood, nak main2 dgn friends, nak beli baju... oh God, the list will keep going on.. kids have so many desires. tak sampai hati nak tgk when they dont get what they want... susah kan,kalau harga barang mcm ni?
- my parents will be okay, since my siblings and I wont be there to be supported...

...so i'm sure...

- i wouldnt want to go back to Malaysia any soon... i'm scared if i couldnt afford the way of living. how am i gonna do my shopping? how am i gonna do my manicure, pedicure, spa and all? how am i gonna go clubbing? how am i gonna do my hair? how am i gonna do my skin treatment? how am i gonna buy all my books? how am i gonna buy my accessories? how am i gonna travel? ish again, the list can go on and on.. women's desires are unlimited too, mind you! hiks! (kesian all the husbands and boyfriends in Malaysia kan?)

...so i wish..

- all the best strangers in your undertakings...
- you guys to be fine and always happy!

Luv

mimpiku and mimpimu..

Dear beautiful strangers,

...malam tadi i dreamt about me driving a very horrendously ugly car.. dah lar tuh, i drive terbalik! i drive from the back seat, dan facing backwards, tapi the car moves forward!!! ape tuh yek? what's the sign? am i gonna get prettier? hiks!....

Luv

party theme?

Dear beautiful strangers,

i'm currently thinking of what theme for my flatwarming party next Friday evening. havent been successful in coming up with one cool theme :(

but i do know what i want.

.. i want people to look good...
.. i want the costume to be suitable for clubbing afterwards...
.. but 'the more skin, the better'.. hiks!

i have options:
1. cave men (but it doesnt really look good to go to a club with)
2. hula beach (again, not really looking good in the club, is it?)
3. foam party?! (it's too bloody messy for me to clean up the next day)
4. .....................(blank space)............

would any of you guys choose for me, or fill in the blank space for a better option? thank you!

p/s: i know i have a few silent strangers reading my blog, say something please dearies... it's gonna be well-appreciated =)

Luv

drama-queen? Hell No!

Dear beautiful strangers,

how's everyone feeling? naughty? hiks!

anyway, just got back from hosp, doing ward rounds... and i myself am having allergic rhinitis. my place is soooo hazy today, and my sinuses are well-known to be very sensitive to any sort of contamination-smoke, haze, dust, stuffiness or even flies. u name it. i cant stand them all, health wise. not bein a Diva, mind you! hehe..

Yes, i fainted yest. in the operation theatre..how interesting. doctors are meant to treat patients. but then, there i was, fainted while treating a patient. how more embarrassing could it get?!

come to think of it, it looked kinda funny tho. i was late for the surgery, didnt manage to grab any breakfast or any sort of food beforehand. so when i entered the theatre, the anaesthetist was already busy making that patient unconscious.

surgeon: 'azzurri, do you wanna grab coffee or any sort first? we have some time'...
Me: oh no no, dont worry Mr X. i am totally fine, you know me, WORK ALWAYS COMES FIRST.. (super ass- kissing power!!! hik)
surgeon: Good then!

then we started, cutting here and there, burning here and there...

suddenly................

one sort of smell filling up the entire atmosphere of the room. smell of adipose tissue (fat!) being burnt. it's normal tho, but it isnt nice darlings, not at all!.. i started feeling funny in my tummy and throat. but No No No, i wouldnt mention it to anyone, 'WORK COMES FIRST' remember? hik!

at one point, i started seeing 'black dots' in my sight. n i was like 'where do all these dots come from?? my contact lenses? the bugs in these patient's anus? it cant be!!!' haha... (too much infos ha?.. stand it!)

one of the nurses: are you okay, your forehead is sweating like a beast's!
Me: *me smiling* i dont know. i dont think i am feeling that weee..........lll....

.................silence and shockness!.......

yes, I FELL OVER! (before everyone knew it!) yes, i DROPPED *Dead* *Gorgeous* in the operation theatre, literally smiling...! yes i was smiling when it happened. (whatever you wanna do, you have to do it pretty-ly) haha!

now, all the emergency attention was on me! Not on the patient, whose anus was half cut open! but on me!! haha (thats harsh)

oh well.. i was the drama queen there. so expectedly the attention must be on me. they brought me to the prep room to be informally resuscitated with fluids n all.. i got better after 10 mins. n i was banned from the theatre the whole day. i was sent home by a staff.

what happened after that??

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

i have got million SMS texts... not sympathy texts, but congratulating me for my well acting, coming from my Super-Ass-Kissing Power!

p/s: i really wanted to shout to the entire world, 'I WAS REALLY ILL! AZZURRI WAS ILL! N NOT DRAMA-QUEEN-ING! but oh well, who am i kidding? i was smiling when i passed out anyway, who would have been convinced?! hik

pengsan!

.. malu...

i pengsan di operation theatre today

..malu..

whats wrong with me?

geram!

.. i akan dihantar ke rural area in Scotland called Stirling Hosp to work for a week. i'm very upset, i cant believe my name came up! geramnnnyyyyeeeerrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..

benci

benci

benci

(p/s: tak sudah2 dgn masalah! duduk sana sorg2, i takut la.. entah mcmmana tempat tu. i nak cari pon tak tau. dah tu, my name sorg je yg naik. diorg nih mcm tak boleh fikir kan? hantar la lelaki gagah perkasa kerja tempat mcm tuh, hantar i buat ape?!sorang2 pulak tuh.. boleh tak kalau i nak ketuk kepala org skarang? geraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!)

what a night..

Dear beautiful strangers,,

hows everyone feeling??! i feel gutted! knackered! and loads more.. just got back from lunch at the Outsider with my friend F*ith. havent seen her for months, as she was in Tanzania, doing voluntary work in a hosp there. i salute people who are into charities and things like that. i have to admit-i dont do that. i want to. but have never really begun to sort out anything at all. so yes, all i do expects money as an exchange. hik.

i woke up at 12 noon today, awaken by Faith's phone call. and went straight to lunch. checked my phone and i saw 12 misscalls!! that's odd. they are all from Al*son, and a guy friend called H*wk. hmm, i wondered why. but i couldnt care less. was so hungry. so i really enjoyed my potato, cray fish with garlicky fries and ice-cream for dessert.

when i was walking back home, Al*son called again...

Al*son: azzurri you there? (sounded very anxious)
me: yes! speaking.
A: what do you think we should do?
me: do what?! what do you mean?
A: about H*wk!

.... that was when everything just started to come back into my mind like patches of memory re-organizing themselves in my head...

so last night...

i started my night with my dinner at TigerLily..with T*m. just to catch up. we shared loads of stories. he's being cheeky and cute as usual. but i always said to him tht he's ugly. and he always thinks i keep saying that because i fancy him. but to be honest, i just love our friendship too much, and hence i need to always think that he's 'ugly'..anyway, i didnt eat that much, as i was wearing the very very tight low-cut blue top. yes i went all out last night! i was upset and that's what i do when i am upset. fashion makes me happy. food doesnt!

we then went straight to Ol*via's for her party. such an amazing flat! so posh! i m so jealous :p anyway, so much cakes and cocktails to enjoy, but i was stuffed. when i came in, i could see a few naughty eyes were already on me. probably because of my low-cut top. and deep inside me, i kinda regretted what i wore. i kinda made a 'diva entrance' to the party with tht top.

met so many cool people. talked to Sarah B*tty, bout our modelling plan. n i blatantly told her to do something with he 'fankles'= fat ankles. hik. she's so hot! but not her legs and ankles. oops im sorry, hehe *joking*. catching up with so many people. which was good.

n that was when Al*son asked me to call H*wk to come to Opal Lounge, a club we were going to after.

'azzurri,, only you can change his mind.....'

i remember that statement. and me being myself, so flattered with that statement, straight away called this bloke. and i NEVER called him before. in fact i dont even have his no on my phone. i just got it last night from Sarah.

Me: hey H*wk. its me azzurri.
H: hey you. what u up to?
Me: come to Opal later. ill get you a guest list under Ol*via's name. so come around!!!
H: err.. im drinking in Spiegel now. but hang on, ill ask C*rlo. i know you want him to come and not me actually.
Me: (shit!) ..

i hung up.

(C*rlo, gorgeous dude, people have been teasing me with this guy. and i of course dont stop them. he's hot! so oh well, why not. hik)

we then went straight to Opal. had so much fun there. really really. until i got so tired from the dance floor and decided to just sit. Al*son came over and was asking where H*wk was. i dont think he came to opal at all last night. apparently someone told me he had to be in Labour Ward very early morning today.

we ended up texting him via Al*son's phone all night long. H*wk didnt know who we were. we were taking the piss out of him. we were playing strangers, trying to stalk. he enjoyed it at first. but after a while he got so annoyed. haha..!

and we were like..' hey you, come out! we are thinking of having an after-party at the playground afterwards. come out!!!!!' ---that was around 2am.
(why playground? i did go to the playground with my ex before. at 4am. such a memorable plaec to me..)

H*wk replied..'that's the worst plan ever. dont want anyone to get r*ped there'
(to be honest, i dont understand what this meant. i dont know if he was actually worried for himself or for us. hik)

and these 'sms-reply' sessions went on and on until he got kinda annoyed since he didnt know who we were.. and we were not even regretting it.............. UNTIL NOW! now now now!

i dont know what's gonna happen next. coz it's not hard to find the owner of that phone number (Al*son's)... and he will eventually figure this out and i will come off very badly!

i think i will call Al*son now and discuss any sort of damage control that can be done. any ideas?

p/s: did i mention, i am gonna have a flat-warming party in 2 weeks time, on the 8th, Friday. and the theme would be 'the more skin, the better'. hik! so come!!! :P

pp/s: and didn't i mention earlier, i got misscalls from H*wk???!!!!! do you think he's figured it out already??! shit im screwed..

memory of Ph*l while am getting hurt

last night went out for coffee with Anthony and Liaa..at our usual place Glenhas. it was a good tame decent chill-out and i enjoyed it. we had a good chat, catching up after a week not seeing each other as we were separated in different hospitals.

it's pretty scary to know some people were very passionate abt what they liked. Liaa for instance was so into surgery and she was in the operation theatre every single day 6 days a week. and I was just in for like 2 days a week. haha! i never liked surgery anyway, so oh well.. who am i kidding?! unless if there's any hot surgeons operating. hik. i remember when i was doing locomotor rotation, i had a HUGE crush on my orthopaedics surgeon, Mr Ph*l S*mpson. i went into the theatre EVERYDAY! i am not kidding. haha. and one thing that humored me so much when one day he said i was the only person he knew that could pull off scrubs very well. 'thank you very much Mr S*mpson'. oh did i mention that he was in his early 30s, single, a great rugby player,and i heard he became the man of a few matches he played in. so, wow, thats great isnt it? but things didnt end well. we went out to a pub once, and he got bloody drunk! i dont mind that, but at one point one creepy guy just came on to me with his dirty chat and started to touch me.of coz i would feel disgusted! Ph*l was in his own world, not realizing what h haad been happening to me. and that creepy guy went on holding my arm strongly, when i was trying hard to get away. everyone in the pub was so bz getting drunk, and couldnt care less of what was happening around them. so i was struggling to leave that guy, and that was when my top got torn off right at the arm!! and it was my fav top. i got extremely pissed off not just with that creepy guy, but most importantly with Ph*l who was already hammered. i decided to just leave. and that was the last time i saw him. he of coz tried so many times to contact me but oh well.. i was never in the mood to reply.

ok enough about him.

so after chatting with anthony and liaa, we left the cafe around 12am. liaa needed to be at the Emergency Room early in the morning. look how passionate she is. it freaks me a little. when i passed a pub on the way home, i saw Al*son, T*sha and S*rena hanging out with a few blokes i didnt think i knew. they told me there's a party at Ol*via's tonight. Great! i just cant wait. i need a party to dance my pain away. (what pain? hik. yes i am hurt. by 'him'. 'he' must be reading this. yes you hurt me. thanks to you)

one problem. i havent decided what to wear...

2 choices:
a new blue top (kinda low-cut, very tight, but too striking-color wise)
an old red top (not a low cut, but very tight as well, not striking color, but i hv worn
that a lot)--> hv still not decided!

i might be spending the whole day digging into my wardrobe. or prob just go shopping n buy new clothes. i dont know. we ll see.

wait for my next post to know if anything 'interesting' happens at the party.hik.

i'm against Curry! official!

tau tak kenapa i tak suka curry??!

sekali lagi, hari ni, curry embarrassed me!! i was trying so hard to look good in the hosp today kan?! (baca my previous previous entry-then u will know kenapa, sebab i 'kononnya' nak impress one boy in my ward group, so that my flirtatious friend would stop her intention!)

and stupidly stupidly stupidly, i ordered vegetarion curry for lunch! (i TAK PERNAH had huge lunch, but today i didnt know why i did that. too hungry i presume)

and guess what happened?

when i was actually carrying it to the seats, it spilled over my transparent zara cardigan (yes note the word 'transparent' there-trying very hard to be sexy here, my lovely readers..haha) and the stain is YELLOW in colour!!!

i wanted to cry so badly. i cant take the cardigan off. i am wearing very revealing top underneath. so do you know what that means?

I HAVE TO WEAR A 'BIG-YELLOW-STAINED' CARDIGAN FOR THE REST OF THE DAY IN FRONT OF ROBERT (and D*ana!!!!!)

oh no..............

p/s: i think i'll look better if i just go naked. can i just do that? ;) *joking*
pp/s: i think my niat tak baik kot. so Tuhan is teaching me a lesson! nak ajar org, i yg kene ajar balik.hik :p

my kekurangan your kelebihan

1.52 am... London time

... tak boleh tidur. that's me. when my brain has been working, and the momentum is still going on, i just cant get myself to sleep. tolongla. nak tidur. esok, i hv to be at the ward at 8am! entahla.. biler la routine nih akan habis?

i cuba carik punca momentum of my brain.ape yg i fikirkan sebenarnyer?

YES! dah tahu...

do you guys know (Malaysian readers, if there's any..), how lucky you are??! all of you memang bertuah!

kenapa??!

entahla..

kadang2 i rase i'm neither here nor there...not belong to Malaysia, not even belong to UK... no sense of being owned and owning. was born in Malaysia. live in UK, work in UK, for years and years and years. my time di Malaysia terlampau singkat for me to enjoy how it feels like being at home. my responsibility is all here, in the UK...

kadang2 teringin jadi macam anda semua.
complain about the hot weather.
complain about political controversies nowadays.
complain about macam2.
complain about traffic jam...

kadang2 teringin ikut anda semua pergi lunch dekat kedai yg jual mee goreng yg best (mamak?!), makan macam2 yg best2...

kadang2 teringin join anda semua gossiping abt things you put in ur blogs...

entah la..

nak elaborate ape yg i nak pon i tak tahu.. i dont have much experience back home for me to actually share with you guys.

i rasekan kekurangan yg i ade..
kekurangan jd half Malaysian and half not! literally and metaphorically.

entahla.. 'kadok' mungkin akan cakap..'you should be grateful azzurri...'
i know he would say that. betul tak? ;)

tapi kan. mungkin i dah penat?

penat jadi independent. too independent!

being flirty?

i dont think i am that bitchy! but i cant stand someone being so flirtatious in any inappropriate atmosphere. get a grip woman!

anyway.. i have been seeing this 'thing' going on for the past two weeks in the hosp. there is a new guy (student doctor like me too) in my ward group. let me call him, robert. he's not 'wow', but cute, dress well, good body, looking very sophisticated, and yes he's English. one thing abt this guy that grabbed my attention was his intelligence! he basically knows everything. BUT another thing annoyed me so much, he loved to ask so many Questions. he has this Super Ass-Kissing Power! but oh well, im not going to talk abt that.

in my group too, there's a girl. let me call her D*ana.. my friend. yeah i can consider her as one. but my friendship with her looks kinda awkward. we can be nice to each other on one day, but things could just turn upside down on another day. when i say 'upside down' i mean, we could just ignore and 'blank' each other for no apparent reason.

for me, there was a 'reason' actually. she used to be SO FLIRTATIOUS with the guy i was in love with. please note the word 'was' there. yes it's a past tense as it's over. one thing hurt me the most, she used to show me her sympathy every time i had low moments with that guy, without me realizing she was actually trying to prove to me otherwise- proving to me she' hotter, she could get any guys she wanted by being so 'lovey-dovey' w tht guy in front of my face!!!

and the history is repeated... for these past 2 weeks, she has been so flirtatious with this Robert guy. and the fact that i knew she wasnt actually serious with any guys, annoys me so much today! how do i know all these? she SAID IT to me when she was drunk before... she was like,' azzurri (me), i used to like T*m (another friend of mine- good friend), he's hot..! but i've been playing 'hard-to-get' and now he started to show interest in me. that's such a turn-off!!!!' and just so you know people, my friend T*m has cried a few times to me,being broken-hearted with the 'game' she's been playing with him. poor guy.......

so when i saw it happening again to Robert, i was like- THAT'S IT D*ana!! so in the tutorial today, there was an empty seat in front of me. just so you know guys, i DONT REALLY KNOW this robert guy. he's new in the group. today he was late for the tutorial. when he came in, everyone was already seated including D*ana.

i was like..'Robert, come and sit infront of me, i hv been saving this seat for you........' in an intonation that i would never expect could have come out from my mouth. haha! and he was like ..'bless you azzurri...' and smiled. we had a good time in the tutorial.. ;) (you know what im talking abt)- by the way, im definitely not this type of person usually, but i kinda have to do this to teach someone a lesson!

when the tutorial's finished, i walked out with robert and unfortunately D*ana joined us-as expected. and of course she had just appeared and straight away squeezed in to walk BETWEEN me and robert. until suddenly robert said 'azzurri, i like you, you're such a legend!' (and i knew he didnt mean it in a romantic way, it was such a friendly statement)... and i was like 'Reallllllllyyyyy? that's weird because this is actually your very THIRD sentence to me, i dont know what i did to be liked??! in that case, excuse me D*ana, it's pretty clear that i deserve more to be walking in between you guys now...' (and i swear i said it in a joking-ly manner.coz i swear i DONT fancy robert at all! i just want to annoy D*ana and teach her a lesson= NOT TO BE TO FLIRTATIOUS, ESPECIALLY IN A HOSPITAL ENVIRONMENT!! WHO ARE YOU KIDDING?!

...and you guys actually have got to be there to see the expression on her face after i squeezed through to be the centre of them two... anger+jealousy+'i wanna kill azzurri' look=D*ana Flirtikova! hahaha...

a regret

..ill...

nauseated, head spinning

throwing up for thousand times

cant eat

guilt

bed-bound

miss hospital attachment

..i know why...

but for sure, it's a regret!

Yeay, but No!

yeay!

my flight ticket to Kuala Lumpur for Temporary Attachment has finally arrived! hope everything will be great..! as im bringing guests back.. it will be stressful hosting, i know... but oh well, KL here i come!!!! again.

But No..!!

i am broke!!! 670quid has flown away...................... far far away.............................................. damn you, high fuel price shit!

i'm still here, when everyone else has gone

today.. Saturday.

woke up at 12pm. f*ra called to meet up, she's leaving this place in 2 days time. for good... yes. for-ever.. even if she comes back, it would be different. she would just be a visitor..

sedih. thats how i feel... another friend came and left. i have been in this place for years, and throughout i have experienced people coming and leaving. i thot i would have been used to it. but surprisingly No.

masih sedih. tetap sedih.

known f*ra for 7 years. the first time i visited her in her flat in spottiswood street in marchmont when i still didnt know anyone else in this foreign place. she introduced me to k*t, n*w and j*n, who have all left.. that's life i presume. people will keep coming and leaving. you have just got to get used to pertemuan and perpisahan kan?

semua orang dah pergi, tapi kenapa aku masih di sini...?

who's lucki-er?

alangkah beruntung nya org yg tahu ape yg dia mahukan dalam hidup ni..

alangkah beruntungnya org yg dapat lakukan ape yg dia mahukan dalam hidup ini..

alangkah beruntungnya org yg mahir dlm kerja yg dilakukannya, walaupun itu bukan yg dia mahukan dalam hidup ini..

...antara ketiga-tiganya,mana yg lebih untung sebenarnye? yg pasti, aku bukan salah satu darinye..

rude or honest?

situation 1

consultant: ***, how many stages of haemorrhoids?
me: err.. i dont know Sir. i'm sorry.
consultant: there are 4 stages! ***, describe to me each of them!!!
me: i couldnt answer your first question, so i believe that established the fact tht i dont know anything abt the stages.
consultant: how could you not know but some people might know?!
me: i presume different people read different things...?!
consultant: *angry* See me in my office tomorrow!
me: (Shit!)

Situation 2

...in the library...

old man: you shouldnt eat in the library! *shouting*
some girl: *quiet, stop chewing, start keeping her chocolate bar in her bag and was about to be tearful*
old man: how could you do that??? this isnt the place to eat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *shouting even louder*
some girl: *looking confused as she has stopped eating but still getting screamed at*
me: *whispering to the old man* excuse me Mr. can you please ssshhh?! quiet please. the last time i checked, this place was still a library. besides eating, you're not allowed to scream too. so please..
old man: *buzzed off looking angry*
some girl: *smile at me*
me: *confused*

.......am i rude,and too out-spoken? or am i just being honest with what i feel?

being anonymous

ooops did i mention that i actually blogged before? but i had to stop, because people started to know who i was, and started giving comments based on their judgement. n it's totally against the principle why i am writing.

I AM WRITING FOR STRANGERS TO READ.

so even if you are actually not a stranger, please be a doll and fake it.

if you ask me why i REALLY want to be anonymous,
1. i want a freedom of speech. by not being known i can express everything i think without fear of judgement. yes. everything.
2. freedom of expressing my feeling without hurting anyone i know, who may accidentally run into this blog.
3. i want my future reader/s to express their opinion of any of my writing without any bias judgement.
4. it's ALL about being ME, MYSELF and JUST ME.. without external restriction.

so.. let me be anonymous, as long as it makes me happy :)

my so-called diary

hello lovely reader/s.

i'm a student doctor in one of the UK uni.am a Malaysian. yes was born in Malaysia. have been living in UK for such a looooooong time.

now bz with hospital work. bz getting grilled by consultants. bz annoying patients and nurses. bz bz bz....

so this blog will pretty much be my diary. i have never kept a diary myself. ever. not even once in my 23 years of life. i cant see any point of doing that. coz i dont like to know what i did before. i dont want to recall any mistakes, any moment of my life that i have wasted. i dont want. i dont like regrets. i dont like guilts. i hate those two feelings more than anything else.

but im doing this now, NOT to recall what i did, but i do hope one day i have enough readers to help me out in certain decisions i have to make in life.coz... you never know, sometimes, strangers could understand you way better than people who know you... and hence, please do not hesitate to share your opinion in my so-called diary for strangers to read......