Thursday, 31 July 2008

one litre of tears

Dear beautiful strangers,

i just finished crying..
the exam, the presentation went terrible..
i got grilled like a roasted chicken in the oven..
at one point, i really wanted to leave the room, i really did..

i never liked surgery, but i thought i could fake it!
but No, i hate it even more now.
everytime i think about what happened today, i would be tearful,
i just got back from beanscene, having hot choc with liaa and anthony.

guys.. i wanna cry. i cannot stand this anymore,
i cant stand this stress anymore.
i cant stand being evaluated, assessed, deliberated like this again n again,
i'm so tired being in this tormenting medical field...

i have done so much work these past weeks.
it didnt pay off, at all
i dont want to mention what exactly happened,
coz it would hurt even more..

i'm crying now.. i cant stand this pain anymore..
the pain being criticized publicly, due to my lack of knowledge,
i was embarrassed
i was humiliated
it couldnt get any worse
even my fainting incident was brought up during the deliberation
i found that really unfair
i didnt choose that to happen
i was not like, 'lets just pass out today, and make this surgery more fun!'

what the f*ck? what the f*ck? what the f*ck?
this mark will be brought forward to my finals!
i just dont wanna think about the consequences.
people told me it was not a big thing- as it would only cost me 1%
but i'm talking about my pride, my dignity, my ego
they were all gone today
..away with all my tears..

this never happened to me before
you know.. i just realized, 'not performing well' in exams is really really painful
i could barely stand this..

..oh no. one more thing guys. do you remember rob*rt?
if you dont, read my previous post 'being flirty'
i ran into him on the way back from beanscene...
i couldnt handle my sorrow that well, i was then becoming so tearful in front of him,
he hugged me, it was warm and nice,
until i realized, i didnt really know that guy,
what was i doing?
he later suggested to have lunch with me sometime,
i dont know if i should go...

but that doesnt matter
that doesnt matter to me at all now..
i have even more painful thing in my head at this moment..
the stress of being in medical field could eventually kill me,
i'm sure it will...

Luv

5 comments:

aM said...

azzurri sabar yaa...insya allah everything will be better.being a fellow student i know the feeling of losing even just a few points in our exams or assessment.it sucks..big time.do u still have some sort of like another assessment for u to back up the marks that you had lost??cheer up azzurri.gambate ne.. :D

Anonymous said...

persevere!
but trust me...if you cant take it anymore, back off now when it's not too late
after a few years in the medical field that i love, and having to leave it temporarily because of other commitments, i've realized that there are more to life than..the hospitals! and the patients, the medicines, the journals, the complaining relatives, the procedures, the lengthy reports, the list goes on..
and the public scrutiny does not stop in medical classes..
if you love it, persevere and stay..
if you think it would kill you.. it will

akulelakiitu said...

azzurri

don't give up..i know you can do better than this next time...

i'll always wish u all the best ..

CapTaiN HooKeD said...

dear azzuri,I understand how you feel. Especially those words that they used on you, it slices ur heart into thin pieces that only a victorinox brand scalpel would do. If this field doesn't suit you,and its driving you insane, why waste ur nerves on it sis. I was in the IT field, but I didn't like it. Then I switched career into hospitality. Now I am a hotelier, and I am proud of it. DO something that you love... Work is like... erm... SEX, you dont feel the pleasure if you didn't get a multiple orgasm. For me work is like multiple orgasm. Do something that gives you a multiple orgasm instead of a frustrating job that not only dismotivate you, but also make you feel inferior and alienated. Leave before its too late, but if that is what you want, then preseverence is the best remedy. Be STRONG. Even David can kill Goliath, something bigger than him. Size doesn't matter, its your WILLPOWER does!!

azzurri said...

am:
thanks for the advice. i do have so many assessments to compensate that. but it was not even a bad mark after all. i was just upset with the humiliation. but i am fine now =)

anonymous:
thanks for sharing your experience with me. actually medicine is my passion. i love medical sciences so much. that day i was just upset with the 'unfair' situation, methinks! but i am fine now. and i agree perseverence is all i need. thanks.

akulelakiitu:
thanks thanks for having faith in me. i have faith in you too =)

captainhooked:
you are so funny! i love the resemblance you made between work and sex. that totally cracked me up. thank you dearie..=)