... hows everyone? i sedang sibuk packing up to leave edinburgh and the UK temporarily- probably. perasaan masih very fragile. i cant believe im leaving this place soon things seem to be very anti-climax.
the graduation preparation the graduation itself the graduation celebrations the graduation ball
sigh... entah lah, it is an ending, it will be a beginning too. and i am scared for both. i have been too complacent being in my comfort zome here, and a slight of change is scared to be able to break me. hopefully there wont be!
for the past month, i have been quite close to this good friend of mine, J*nny comel. baik. innocent. bijak. we went to the gym together. went out for drinks together. went out for meals together. when he was busy with his work/exam, i was there cooking for him. he came round to my flat, we had such great relaxing fun with a 3 course meal i cooked, and having the beatles songs as the background music of our dinner. he opened up a bottle of wine it went all perfect.
but.. two nights ago, i almost ruined it. we went out for dinner at gourmet burger kitchen and proceeded to Olorosso, for drinks at the rooftop, watching the sunset in Edinburgh.
i started with a glass of rose. he started with a bottle of beer, manly! and then we shared a bottle of white wine, which i drank 3/4 of it- in his defence he would have to drive me back and have an early morning in the theatre the next day- hence he had to take it easy... fair enough! i got tipsy quite immediately-expectedly as i had a small sized burger for dinner, and the stomach had been empty since morning. J*nny bought me another cocktails-i cant remember its name, but his favourite. we shared a glass together-when i said 'shared', i meant he had 1/8th and i finished the rest...
...and the results:
I GOT TOTALLY DRUNK! ..and i am never cool when i'm drunk.
he told me he had to leave as it was already too late. being drunk, i became too persuasive for him to stay. i was soo vulnerable. i was too fragile to accept this drastic transition in my phase of life. i needed somebody. n he happened to be there. but i acted it all stupidly.
again, he explained, he could not stay as he had to go back to D*nfermline tht night i begged him to stay i looked so upset when he said he couldnt.
... and Finally, i SUGGESTED TO FOLLOW HIM BACK TO D*NFERMLINE- which definitely would have been a horrific idea.
and he asked 'WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN D*NFERMLINE IF YOU FOLLOW ME BACK?'...looking unhappy due to my sleaziness.
..i said 'NOTHING-JUST HANG OUT'...(yeaaaaaahhhhhh right!)
he then said it wud be a good idea to send me back home. which he did. he drove me back home. i jumped off the car after giving him a hug, when he promised to call me the next day. i was so devastated. n i cried by the side of the road when his car left.
i walked slowly home,and then went to bed straight away.
i woke up the next day feeling sooo awful about what i had done. i was so embarassed. i didnt text him right away, due to my massive guilt. i texted him 2 days after-saying:
"J*nny, i am sorry for acting so ridiculous tht night. i was too drunk and vulnerable about leaving etc. i didnt mean anything nasty when i suggested to follow you back to D*nfermline. i hope this would not mess up our friendship. please reply to this text if you're not mad at me"
...he replied instantly (phew!), saying:
"dont worry, it's nothing. i totally undertstand. it's just water under the bridge :)"
..................................................i was still not entirely happy with that response. too short!
today we met, i acted nothing happened. and i gave him some of my notes and books for him to inherit once i leave. he looked and acted normal.
towards the end of the day with him, i apologized again. he said not to worry. i am going to have another leaving drinks for me with a few good friends this Monday night. i invited J*nny. he said he wud try to come bk from Dunfermline but he cudnt promise... which is fair enough.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,...................................................................the question now is:
SHOULD I WORRY ANYMORE? DO YOU THINK HE MEANT IT WHEN HE SAID NOT TO WORRY? ..boys, do you want to answer them for me. i just hope he wouldnt think of me as a slut ot anything similar. God forbid!
Apa kabar kamu? i am awesome! While i am typing this,my mom is in the kitchen frying 'chikodok'-->whatever that is. Yes, mom is here visiting me, so is my sister. and my mom has been cooking Malaysian food everyday. yum yum! so, as expected my appetite has been partying extravagantly.
tomorrow is my big day. my Graduation! (haha,...mesti ader yang tertipu! sorry Love, just messin w'ya) the day i am registered with the World/General Medical Council. wooohooo.... i hope tomorrow will go as perfectly as possible. i hope the weather will be all smashing and spectacular!
tonight i will be goin out to see T*sha, Al*son, S*rena, M*ke, J*nny and a few more for a wee celebration in Doctors Pub. probably tht will be the time to kiss some of them goodbyes. sob sob.
also.. to my lovely friends, ill be arriving in Malaysia on the 19th of July with my mom and sis. i sedang pujuk Kadok to fetch me from KLIA tapi as usual he seems reluctant :( terpaksa la i carik KLIA limousin.
ok la sayangs, my moms cooking dah ready. you take care. doakan i gembira tomorrow :)
Today i am going to try writing in Malay, which i think my ability has improved tremendously, thanks to my mom n the continuous malaynovels getting sent to my apartment-to pull me back to the root lah-whatever that means..
...hidup ni kadang2 datang dengan beberapa pilihan kan? kita perlu buat pilihan, as kita tak boleh dapat semua itu lah yang sedang aku hadapi sekarang my contract of job in Edinburgh dah hampir tamat only 3 weeks left. 18 july, tamat la my life in Edinburgh..sob sob
my feelings sekarang cukup mixed sedih, excited, takut, rindu, sunyi, suspense, anxious, happy ..tak tau which one is more prominent? and this mixture makes me numb. i am just numb. tak tau nak fikir apa2 langsung
aku diberikan pilihan untuk kekal di UK, tetapi turun ke England for my next job in North Yorkshire, near Leeds i am soooooooooooo not familiar with the place i dont know what is there for me to expect yang aku tahu,i have to start it all over again adapting to all the possiblities-kawan baru, accommodation baru, city baru, hospital baru etc. ...dan aku, secara jujurnya, takut untuk hadapi semua itu, berseorangan lagi... kepada sesiapa yg mengenali aku, you should hv known, i've spent most of my life alone aku independent dahcukup lama even so, i am still scared to experience another cycle of this
my next choice is pulang ke Malaysia, walau ke mana sahaja i might be allocated another place which i am sure i will not be familiar with kalau KL, it's fine.. tetapi what happens if it's somewhere else i am sure everywhere is nice in Malaysia tapi mampukah aku cope with the new life? new culture? new people? new environment? aku sekali lagi takut... ..yes, at least i will hav my family with me, but...does that not mean tht i am going to lose my freedom too? .. i am numb again,,,
there's part of me trying to wander around looking for other possibilities, i wanna work in somewhere TOTALLY new like... ..New York Sydney OR London... but these places are just toooooooo hard to get in also, wont i face the same dilemma too?
.. so,here i go again, at this junction not knowing what to choose too scared to take any risk coz i am too fragile too vulnerable i have been acting tough for way too long in my life ..i am scared if once i break, i wont be able to gather myself anymore.
i am sure its been aaaaaaaaaages! i am so so sorry .....to the people who didnt know, i was extremely busy for the past months battling with my Final Exams and stuff... and thats why i kept it vanilla and quiet from everyone.
and today i got my results and i am Finally registered with General Medical Council, the doctors association recognized by the entire world. which effectively means i am recognized as a doctor everywhere in the world.. wooooop!! wooooop!!
i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO chuffed! :) :) :)
Gosh, i have worked really hard for the past years to be recognized, and its all paid off today my fears are totally lifted off my shoulders. i feel so relaxed now.
i can actually work anywhere in the world!!!!! so no pressure on placements and stuff like tht. ok im gonna go out and celebrate. my boy is waiting ;)
hows everyone doing? lama tak jumpe kan? i mean .. jumpe online! i visit my blog everyday, tapi takde masa nak write down something. busy la sayang..
hmm... ape yer nak update you guys on. first, i still havent decided whether to work in Leeds or KL. i masih pening and stressed out over it. if there's any Malaysian doctor reading my blog out there, can you please let me know how the posting allocation system works back in the country? i have no idea thanks in advance
love life? well.. my life has been boring i have a good close mate called joshua right now. and there s nothing much to talk about him he's well and fine
do you guys remember Dr C*rlo C*r*sa? yes, he's back in my life as a good friend i have stopped all those hintings and flirtings. how obvious could a girl be anyway?
well.. im going away for a holiday in Amsterdam on the 13th of march for a few days i need a break i need to do some fashion emergency shopping
also, i have gained 3 kilos since i got bk from KL and still having no intention to lose any weight like most of you have already known, i have stopped modelling temporarily, to focus on my medical life so no point of suffering to be skinny, right?
ape lagi yer nak update you guys on ...well, kalau ade ape2 nak tanyer, tanyer la kay. i dah tak tau nak cerita ape.
hospital library nih pon dah makin empty, i tak balik lagi..
... just a quick note to say if ur wondering about my silence for a wee months i am actually recovering from dengue fever my entire family and i have caught the fever after we got back from Borneo it's been a nightmare for everyone of us even until now we r not totally cured, still rehydrating ourselves. will get back to business once it's all over