Friday, 12 December 2008

a life story.. not a lucky one.


It’s 2 am and I cant sleep. Recalling all the mistakes I have done lately. All the changes I have gone through. Not good ones. The ones I never liked. The ones which will never blend well with me. Me and to my very core. Why did I change? I don’t know. It wasn’t planned. It was just happening, and I’m going through the phase with mixed feelings; guilt, insecure, fear but yet I keep letting myself being abused in that way. Abused = the change I never liked!!!!

I feel even more ‘stupid and low’ realizing that in fact I ‘agreed’ with all those changes because I was in love. Was it really love? Again, I don’t know. I liked him (X). I really did. He resembled someone (Y) that I used to really really love. But Y has gone. Even though Y has come back to bug and beg, but to me, he’s dead so long time ago. Ages ago. He’s gone with the wind. He’s gone with all the hopes and dreams I had for us. He’s gone leaving a cut and pain, deep in me, which never healed, never scarred surprisingly until today. I closed my heart to anybody since then. Coz it’s been fooled. It’s been hurt. It’s been stigmatized, been black and white. I was left confused, been destitute. There was no way for another chance, or another story. Everything was impossible. At least, that was what I thought. But I was wrong. Very wrong.

I met X, a few months back. It was not like my first crush with Y, X was just a plain normal guy. He didn’t have that ‘wow’ factor whatsoever. I didn’t even notice him at the beginning. Maybe I was too superficial and that was my mistake. Days moved one, we became new friends. Until I realized, he actually reminded me of someone. Someone who was there for 4 years but disappeared instantly. X rang a bell in my head, the bell that should never ever been rung at all, ever. The way X talks, his walks, his jokes, laughs, even his moves were killing me. Wow?! I wonder what God really wants to show to me from this. I was not yet strong to oversee this, I was not yet healed to befriend a resemblance of someone I used to love. But I did. I did become X’s friend. He became my new friend.

Things went normal until he mentioned about him with his ex-girlfriend. A possibility for them to start ‘things’ up again. As a friend, shouldn’t I feel happy for him? But why wasn’t I? I was indeed feeling the opposite. That’s so weird, in fact bizarre. I took a whole day to answer the dilemma, and in the end I just couldn’t get away from the fact that I have already liked him. Surprisingly, unintentionally deep. Damn!

What is there not to like about him? He resembles my first love perfectly! And in addition he’s not a jerk like Y!!!! X is in fact wiser, more matured (believe me, too mature for his age- in a good way), more intelligent, not too vain (Y dressed much much better compared to me- not that I didn’t like that, but I always thought that Y’s way too good looking for me, I always felt inferior, and I HATE FEELING INFERIOR!! About anything!), X is just Y with all the extra points that are always lacking in Y. so what is there not to like about X?

I didn’t know why I was so open about it, I let X know about my dilemma. He took it surprisingly well, but as I have already expected, he didn’t fancy me. Yes, he did not. And yes, no one had ever said NO to me before. Not that I’m bragging, probably because this was the first time I approached someone (with Y, I was led into the relationship after a long long long persuasion) and hence, this turned out to be the first time someone said NO to me. I was not devastated, because I liked it that way, just friends, no pressure no nothing. And again, that was what I thought. And I was wrong. Again.

I liked him. I liked X. Everyday, I was excited to start my day because I knew I could see him. and it went on and on, and I didn’t realize that every single day, I was actually giving him the signal that I still liked him. I kept acting that we were more than normal friends. I didn’t realize it, because I in fact just did anything that could make me happy. He one day told me all these, and how uncomfortable he felt. Oh no, poor him and I didn’t realize it, at all.

Just to add to my problem, at the same time, Y appeared AGAIN after years, and started calling, texting, without me knowing what he really wanted. But surprisingly I wasn’t happy AT ALL about it, may be X has healed the pain inside me, and hence there was no space for Y to be in.
I was stressed out. Too stress. Cut to the chase: one day, I called X to apologize to him for how ridiculous I have been acting. He said, there’s nothing for me to apologize, and nothing for him to forgive. It was not a mistake, it was just me with my “OBSESSIVE” problem. Wow! I was horribly offended! Too offended to even be angry about it at that time. No one had ever ever made me feel low about myself but that day X DID! He said that the problem should be overcome and the way of doing it, was for us (me and X) not to become friends at all. He said I SHOULD LEAVE HIM ALONE IF I CARE ABOUT HIM. darn! I was embarrassed to my very core! Probably I always feel good about myself, but I think those words were too much for me to start having doubt in him. yes I cried so much, not because I could not be friends with him, but because I felt downgraded, which no one ever dared to do that to me, ever! But surprisingly, as far as I could remember, I was not angry at him at that time, I was in fact asking him to still consider me as a friend and lets do what other friends do, like hanging out, playing sports bla bla. And he firmly said NO. He hung up the phone.

Where did I do wrong? Did I deserve such treatment? May be I was wrong for liking him, but shouldn’t there be any other ways to extinguish that feeling, besides changing it to a HUGE HATRED?

I again realized I don’t hate him. I don’t think I will ever hate him; he had made such an extremely good first impression, superseding all those negative things or words he said afterwards.

I lived my life as normal as possible, trying to ignore about what happened. But everyday I saw X, I felt horrendous. I felt embarrassed, I could not even look at his eyes. I felt low, I felt inferior. I was indeed hurt by his words. And he never apologized and hence I felt even worse. I had this conflict inside me for months, but I acted well. I smiled, I laughed, I made jokes in front of my friends, in front of him, just to show that I was all well.

Just for the record, since that atrocious phonecall I had with X, he started to isolate me, get rid of me. Trying to cut me out of his life, at least it seemed like it. That helped to add up to my LOW self-esteem at that moment. Thanks to him. I felt disgusted of myself, and that became worse by days.

Until I realized I was too weak for such continuous abuse, days by days, there was no sign for my feeling to get better. I was so hurt, I felt insecure. I felt low and lower. I called my parents to let me leave this place ever. The place that brought me into connection with X. that’s the only way I could find to release myself from such pain.

I in fact LEFT! And I don’t even think that X cares much about it. How a tiny little person I am, in front of his eyes. I am now back home, feeling belonged and protected. Should I ever go back to that place, where I met X? if I should, what type of person should I be next? Do I ever have the strength to stand there again after this huge fall? I don’t know.

My feelings towards X now: I like him. of course. but I am not sure to what extent. He seems happy with his life, without realizing he’s changed me so much, my confidence, my dignity, my will-power, ALL altered, abused. He was probably right, if I care about him, I should leave him alone. This is in fact what I am doing because I do care about him. So much. I am not his friend anymore, may be now it’s due to our distance, but I have decided, he can’t be my friend because he’s right. We should not be friends. I don’t deserve his friendship. He’s way too honest in our friendship before compared to me. Everyday, I’m trying to erase him from my life. I hope it’s not going to be hard because we just met for months. Like he had said once to me: ‘it’s not hard coz it’s not like we were childhood friends before’. I have experienced a bigger downfall before and I’m sure I can make it through this one. My first task is to LET GO my feelings towards him, if there’s anything much left. I heard he is liking someone right now. Good for him. Maybe to him now, I am just a psycho. What more can I say.

I know I have never loved this way before
No one else has loved me more
With you I laughed and cried
I have lived and died
What I wouldn’t do, just to be with you

I know I must forget you to go on
I can’t hold back my tears too long
Though life won’t be the same
I have got to take the blame
And find the strength I need to let you go

Just walk away, just say goodbye
Don’t turn around now
You may see me cry
I musn’t fall apart
Or show my broken heart
Or the love I feel for you

There’ll never be a moment I regret
I love you since the day we met
For all the love you gave
And all the love we made
I know I have got to find the strength to say

So walk away
And close the door
And let my life be as it was before
I’ll never never know
Just how I’ll let you go
There’s nothing left to say
Just walk away.


Anonymous said...

azzuri this is not a short post!! Huhu.. ermm haven't really finish readint it yet. need to go to kl for my uncle's wedding. so i'll read it went i'm back kay. then i'll comment

Anonymous said...

azzurri..err dont know what to say lah..huhuhu...but i guess forgetting him is the best that you can do..