TAKUT... NUMB!

Hi sayangs

Today i am going to try writing in Malay, which i think my ability has improved tremendously, thanks to my mom n the continuous malaynovels getting sent to my apartment-to pull me back to the root lah-whatever that means..

...hidup ni kadang2 datang dengan beberapa pilihan kan?
kita perlu buat pilihan, as kita tak boleh dapat semua
itu lah yang sedang aku hadapi sekarang
my contract of job in Edinburgh dah hampir tamat
only 3 weeks left.
18 july, tamat la my life in Edinburgh..sob sob

my feelings sekarang cukup mixed
sedih, excited, takut, rindu, sunyi, suspense, anxious, happy
..tak tau which one is more prominent?
and this mixture makes me numb.
i am just numb. tak tau nak fikir apa2 langsung

aku diberikan pilihan untuk kekal di UK, tetapi turun ke England for my next job
in North Yorkshire, near Leeds
i am soooooooooooo not familiar with the place
i dont know what is there for me to expect
yang aku tahu,i have to start it all over again
adapting to all the possiblities-kawan baru, accommodation baru, city baru, hospital baru etc.
...dan aku, secara jujurnya, takut untuk hadapi semua itu, berseorangan lagi...
kepada sesiapa yg mengenali aku, you should hv known, i've spent most of my life alone
aku independent dahcukup lama
even so, i am still scared to experience another cycle of this

my next choice is pulang ke Malaysia, walau ke mana sahaja i might be allocated
another place which i am sure i will not be familiar with
kalau KL, it's fine.. tetapi what happens if it's somewhere else
i am sure everywhere is nice in Malaysia
tapi mampukah aku cope with the new life? new culture? new people? new environment?
aku sekali lagi takut...
..yes, at least i will hav my family with me, but...does that not mean tht i am going to lose my freedom too?
.. i am numb again,,,

there's part of me trying to wander around looking for other possibilities,
i wanna work in somewhere TOTALLY new like...
..New York
Sydney OR
London...
but these places are just toooooooo hard to get in
also, wont i face the same dilemma too?

.. so,here i go again, at this junction
not knowing what to choose
too scared to take any risk
coz i am too fragile
too vulnerable
i have been acting tough for way too long in my life
..i am scared if once i break, i wont be able to gather myself anymore.

..ahhh scary life

Azzurri